Can “Wanting to Look Better” Come From a Healthy Place?
I ran into a former client in the gym the other morning.
We worked together for about 18 months before I transitioned her to another trainer to better match a new schedule after her son graduated high school. Life shifted. Priorities shifted. The usual stuff.
What caught my eye immediately was that she looked different. Leaner, yes — but more than that, she looked energized.
I stopped by while she was warming up on the rower.
“You look like you’ve had more energy lately,” I said.
“What’s changed?”
She smiled.
“Oh, I’m back to tracking and meal prepping. Down about 16 pounds. And I’m actually sleeping again.”
I told her how good it was to see that.
Then she added, almost casually:
“Yeah… I’m going to be on a beach in Hawaii for a week soon. I wanted to feel good wearing my bikini.”
That line stuck with me for the rest of the day.
Because if you work in fitness long enough, you’re trained to hear that sentence a certain way.
Aesthetic goal.
Insecure fuel.
Short-term motivation.
Future rebound.
And sometimes… that’s exactly what it is.
But this time, I wasn’t so sure.
The Automatic Assumption About Aesthetic Goals
In coaching and self-development spaces, there’s an unspoken hierarchy of goals.
“Look better” tends to sit near the bottom.
It’s often framed as:
shallow
ego-driven
insecure
rooted in shame
unsustainable
While goals like:
“feel better”
“be healthier”
“have more energy”
“live longer”
are considered more evolved. More mature. More acceptable.
There’s truth in that framing — but it’s incomplete.
Because it assumes that what the goal is tells us why the goal exists.
And psychology tells us that’s not how motivation actually works.
Insecurity vs. Security Isn’t About the Goal — It’s About the Source
The same external goal can come from very different internal places.
In Self-Determination Theory (Deci & Ryan), motivation falls broadly into two categories:
Controlled motivation (externally driven):
rooted in pressure, comparison, approval, fear, or avoidance of shame.Autonomous motivation (internally driven):
rooted in values, self-respect, identity, and personal meaning.
Both can drive behavior.
But they feel very different inside the body.
And they produce very different long-term outcomes.
So let’s take aesthetics.
“I want to look better” can absolutely be driven by insecurity:
“I want to look better than her.”
“I want people to think I’m attractive.”
“I don’t feel worthy unless my body looks a certain way.”
That’s motivation rooted in comparison, approval, and conditional self-worth.
But there’s another version that doesn’t get talked about enough.
When Wanting to Look Better Comes From Security
“I want to look better for me.”
That sentence often gets dismissed as a rationalization — but sometimes, it’s honest.
Here’s what it can actually mean:
“I respect myself enough to take care of my body.”
“I feel better in my skin when I’m consistent with my habits.”
“I want to show up feeling confident and energized in an experience I’m excited about.”
“I like what it feels like when my actions align with how I want to live.”
That’s not shame.
That’s self-respect.
In psychological terms, this aligns more closely with approach-based motivation rather than avoidance-based motivation.
You’re not running from being unacceptable.
You’re moving toward feeling aligned.
What Changed With This Client — And Why It Matters
Here’s the part that really matters to me as a coach.
When we worked together, she used to yo-yo.
She could be incredibly dialed:
tracking
meal prepping
losing weight
And then work would hit a busy season:
stress goes up
sleep goes down
energy to lead at work goes up
energy to lead herself goes down
And the habits would fall apart.
What struck me this time wasn’t just that she was losing weight.
It was when.
She’s in a busy season right now.
Which tells me something important:
This isn’t about white-knuckling.
This isn’t about panic motivation.
This isn’t about punishing herself for a vacation body.
She’s navigating stress differently.
She’s protecting sleep.
She’s leading herself under load.
The bikini isn’t the whole story.
It’s the spark, not the engine.
Secure Motivation Feels Different in the Body
Here’s a practical way to tell the difference between insecure and secure fuel.
Insecure motivation feels like:
pressure
urgency
comparison
anxiety
tightness
“I should”
“I have to”
Secure motivation feels like:
steadiness
clarity
ownership
calm focus
“I want”
“This matters to me”
One drains you.
The other organizes you.
And that distinction matters far more than the surface-level goal.
Internal Leadership Is What Determines the Outcome
This is where Internal Leadership comes in.
Because goals don’t live in isolation.
They live inside real lives, real stress, real schedules, real nervous systems.
Internal Leadership is the skill that allows someone to ask:
Why am I pursuing this?
What fuel am I using right now?
Is this coming from judgment or respect?
Can I stay aligned when resistance shows up?
Without that skill, even “good” goals collapse.
With it, even aesthetic goals can become expressions of self-care rather than self-criticism.
A More Honest Reframe
Maybe the question isn’t:
“Is wanting to look better shallow or insecure?”
Maybe the better question is:
“What relationship do I have with myself while I’m pursuing this?”
Because self-love doesn’t always look like acceptance without effort.
Sometimes it looks like:
structure
boundaries
consistency
saying no
choosing long-term alignment over short-term comfort
That’s not punishment.
That’s leadership.
A Closing Reflection
The next time you hear yourself say,
“I want to look better,”
Don’t rush to judge it.
Pause and ask:
Is this coming from self-rejection or self-respect?
Am I trying to prove something — or honor something?
Does this goal tighten me — or organize me?
The answer won’t be in the mirror.
It’ll be in how you treat yourself when the motivation wears off and resistance shows up.
That’s where the truth always is.