The Mid-Life Shift

Nov 18

What Happens When a Man Stops Chasing and Starts Refining

I trained B.V. tonight.

He’s in his mid-40s.
VP of Sales for a $500 million+ private company.
Sharp, thoughtful, grounded.
Husband.
Father to three girls.
Leader in a business his father helped build.

Lately, our mid-workout conversations have drifted toward motivation—what drives people, how leaders can inject confidence, and what keeps a man pushing forward when life gets full.

Last session it was about leadership.
Tonight, it turned personal.

He asked me whats driving me right now. What’s my why. (I can share on this another time :))

And then I turned it back on him:

“What’s driving you right now? What are your Whys?”

(Always plural. Whys are never singular.)

His answer took us somewhere I don’t often hear from the men I work with remotely —and that’s exactly why it stood out.

Most Men Are Still Chasing Something. B.V. Isn’t.

He told me his Whys used to be obvious:

Find love — he found it at 25.
Get married.
Buy a house.
Build a family.
Grow professionally — he did, stepping into an executive role in a massive family-run company.

These were the major “life boxes” he spent years working toward.

And then he paused.
Thought for a moment.
And said something most men don’t admit out loud:

“I’ve hit all the achievements I was chasing… and now it’s not about chasing anymore. It’s about refining and enjoying.”

This wasn’t resignation.
It wasn’t boredom.
It wasn’t restlessness.

It was clarity.

He told me he’s not in a mid-life crisis.
He’s in a mid-life shift.

From Achievement → to Refinement

He said:

“I can keep becoming a better father and husband. I can keep refining my leadership skills. I can help the company evolve beyond what my dad and uncle built. And I can focus on my physical health so I have the energy to keep doing this for a long time.”

He’s not looking for a new mountain.
He’s tending to the one he already climbed.
He’s not trying to reinvent his identity.
He’s deepening it.

There was no panic.
No grasping.
No “is this all there is?”

Just presence.

Just awareness.

Just a man arriving at a stage of life he worked hard to earn—
and realizing the next evolution isn’t about more…
it’s about better.

Underneath Everything: Curiosity

A lot of men hit their mid-40s and get swallowed by regret, comparison, or self-judgment.

They start asking heavy questions:

“Did I do enough?”
“Is this really it?”
“Where did I go wrong?”
“What did I miss?”

Not B.V.

He isn’t spiraling.
He isn’t longing for the past.
He isn’t stuck between who he was and who he wishes he’d been.

He’s curious.

He literally said:

“How do I become a better father and husband?”
“How do I lead my team better?”
“How do I take care of my health better?”

There’s no shame in those questions.
There’s no fear in them.
There’s no scarcity behind them.

They come from a man who’s full, not empty.

A man whose life is good—
and who wants to keep evolving within the goodness.

The Real Insight: Presence Is a Powerful Why

They men I work with remotely are often looking to reclaim something they lost:

their athleticism
their confidence
their energy
their identity
their light

Bret isn’t reclaiming anything.

He’s protecting what he’s built.
He’s deepening what he already has.
He’s refining the life he worked decades to create.

His Why isn’t fear-based.
It’s not insecurity.
It’s not regret or guilt or comparison.

His Why is presence.

He wants to:

show up fully as a husband
show up fully as a father
show up fully as a leader
show up fully as a man with a long runway ahead of him

He wants to help the people around him find what he’s found.
He wants to keep strengthening the foundation of a life he actually loves living.

And that kind of Why—rooted in love, connection, curiosity, and purpose—hits different.
It’s stable.
It’s grounded.
It lasts.