Quitting: Self-Protection or Self-Realization?

How to Know Whether You’re Walking Away Out of Fear — or Growing Out of Your Old Life

There’s a question I’ve been sitting with lately — one I wish someone had given me a decade ago:

When you quit something… are you protecting yourself, or realizing yourself?

Because quitting isn’t one thing.
It’s two very different experiences that feel almost identical in the moment.

One is collapse.
One is evolution.

And if you don’t know the difference, you can stay stuck for years in the wrong job, the wrong identity, the wrong chapter of your life — because you’re afraid that walking away makes you weak.

But quitting isn’t always weakness.

Sometimes quitting is the first honest thing you’ve done in a long time.

Fear-Based Quitting vs Truth-Based Quitting

Most people never learn the difference.

Fear-Based Quitting (self-protection):

• “This is too much.”

• “I don’t know if I’m good enough.”

• “I’m overwhelmed.”

• “I can’t handle it.”

• “What if I fail?”

Fear-based quitting is collapse.
It’s hiding.
It’s shrinking.
It’s avoidance dressed up as logic.

Truth-Based Quitting (self-realization):

• “This no longer fits who I’m becoming.”

• “My values have shifted.”

• “This chapter is complete.”

• “I’m not abandoning something — I’m stepping toward something else.”

• “I’ve outgrown this version of myself.”

Truth-based quitting is expansion.
It’s alignment.
It’s integrity.
It’s evolution.

From the outside, both look the same:
You’re walking away.

But internally, they’re worlds apart.

My Story: Walking Away From My “Dream Job”

For years, coaching college soccer at my alma mater was the dream.

I built my worth around it.
I built my identity and confidence through it.
I built my life around being that guy.

Younger me would’ve killed for the opportunity I ultimately earned.

On paper, it was perfect.

Inside, something was shifting.

There were whispers at first — small signals I didn’t want to hear:

• The excitement felt different.

• The stress hit deeper.

• My body felt heavier.

• I felt pulled somewhere else.

• I felt a truth I couldn’t name yet.

So I ignored it.

I told myself all the right-sounding reasons:
“Everyone feels stressed.”
“This is just a phase.”
“Don’t be ungrateful.”
“This is the job you worked for.”
“Push harder.”

And my ego screamed back:

“You’re a failure.”
”You don’t deserve this.”
”Quit now before you embarrass yourself more.”

I was caught between trying to push through (because I thought it was the right thing) and my ego working to protect me by quitting. And if I quit from this moment, this place…it would have been self-protection.

But amongst all the internal noise I did the deep work of understanding myself. And slow the whispers became audible — and eventually undeniable.

A quiet internal knowing:
“You’re done here.”

The decision felt terrifying and relieving in the same breath.

Like stepping off a ledge and exhaling for the first time in years.

How You Know When Quitting Is Self-Realization

Looking back at that moment in my life, I can see the difference clearly:

1. Fear shrinks your world.

Truth expands it.

Fear-based quitting makes your life smaller — fewer risks, fewer challenges, fewer versions of yourself.

Truth-based quitting opens the door to more of your potential.

2. Fear feels tight.

Truth feels spacious.

Fear-based quitting feels like:

• contraction

• shame

• hiding

• heaviness

Truth-based quitting feels like:

• relief

• clarity

• breath

• possibility

3. Fear avoids the moment.

Truth moves toward something real.

Fear-based quitting says:
“I don’t want to feel this discomfort.”

Truth-based quitting says:
“I want to live in alignment with who I’m becoming.”

4. Fear keeps you stuck.

Truth moves you forward.

Fear-based quitting is a retreat.
Truth-based quitting is a transition.

One closes you off.
The other opens you up.

The Identity Problem Nobody Talks About

The hardest part of quitting isn’t the decision.

It’s letting go of the identity you built around the old version of yourself.

That’s what college coaching was for me:

• a symbol of who I thought I was

• the dream younger me committed to

• a role I was proud to occupy

• a place to anchor my worth and belonging in this world

Walking away felt like betraying that younger self…it felt like death.

But the truth was the opposite:

Quitting wasn’t abandoning who I was.
It was becoming who I am.

Life isn’t about staying loyal to old dreams.
It’s about staying loyal to your present truth.

The Skill Is Knowing Which Quit Is Happening

When life puts you at a crossroads, the two forms of quitting feel identical:

• both come with fear

• both trigger uncertainty

• both disrupt identity

• both require courage

• both feel heavy

But the signals are different.

Here are the questions that matter:

1. Is this decision shrinking me or freeing me?

2. Am I avoiding discomfort or moving toward alignment?

3. Does my body feel tight… or relieved?

4. Am I protecting a fragile identity or honoring a new one?

5. Am I stepping out of fear — or stepping into truth?

Your answer to those questions will tell you everything.

Not All Quitting Is Weakness

Sometimes Quitting Is Wisdom.

Some quitting is collapse.

Some quitting is evolution.

Fear-based quitting protects you from pain.
Truth-based quitting invites you into authenticity.

One keeps you small.
One pulls you forward.

The work is learning to tell the difference.

And when you do?

You stop being afraid of endings —
because you realize every honest ending is the beginning of a more aligned life.

If This Hit Home — Here’s Your Next Step

If you’re standing at a crossroads…
If you’re wrestling with resistance…
If you’re tired of not knowing the difference between fear and truth…

Then this is exactly the work we do inside the 8-Week LFP Training Group.

It’s where you rebuild connection to your body through training and build your internal leadership — so you can make decisions from truth, not fear… and live the life your current identity has been blocking.

8 Weeks.
A small, supportive group of men.
A proven framework.
And a chance to realign your life from the inside out.

If you want in, send me a message or click here to schedule a call.

You don’t have to navigate this transition alone.

Curiosity, Consistency, and the Slow Art of Building Something Real.

Why the Secure Engine Always Outperforms the Insecure One

Training B.V. tonight gave me one of those moments coaches quietly file away — the kind you return to because they reveal something true about human growth.

We were in the middle of the session when he said:

“Thanksgiving break was nice, and it got me reflecting on the last year of training.
I’ve made great gains… and I’m just really curious what type of size I can add in the next year.
I’m stoked for it.”

There was something powerful in the way he said curious.

It wasn’t anxious curiosity — the kind driven by insecurity, comparison, or self-judgment.
It was grounded. Calm. Honest. Energized.
It was the kind of curiosity that comes from a Secure Engine — the internal source that moves a person forward because they want to explore what’s possible, not because they’re trying to fix or prove anything.

You can hear secure curiosity.
But more importantly, you can feel it in how someone embodies their goals.

And that energy is everything.

Growth Doesn’t Start With Intensity — It Starts With Consistency

A lot of men think progress starts with the perfect program, the perfect split, the perfect macros, the perfect supplement stack.

It doesn’t.

It starts with showing up.

And B.V. had that long before he came to me.
He had the first lever already in place — Consistency.

He trained regularly.
He took care of himself.
He built the habit through discipline.
He didn’t chase shortcuts.

He had the base.

That matters, because nothing meaningful can be built on inconsistency.
You can’t amplify what you don’t repeat.

The Next Lever: Quality

Once a person is consistent, the next lever becomes Quality.

That’s the piece we dialed in over the last year.

We didn’t reinvent the wheel.
We didn’t throw advanced protocols at him.
We didn’t chase novelty for novelty’s sake.

We rebuilt his foundation with better inputs:

• a smarter training split

• better volume distribution

• more effective exercise selection

• hitting adequate protein

• hitting adequate calories

• aligning training stress with recovery capacity

The difference wasn’t dramatic… but it was precise.
Quality doesn’t require complexity.
It requires alignment.

And once consistency and quality lock into place?

The system compounds.

Everyone Wants the Advanced Phase — Few Earn It

This is where most people get stuck.

They want the “fun stuff”:

• specialization blocks

• advanced hypertrophy cycles

• complex periodization

• high-level techniques

• precision-based nutrition phases

But they try to jump there before they’ve built anything for those strategies to work on.

So they hop from program to program.
They chase novelty.
They abandon their routine every four weeks.
And because the foundation is unstable, the structure never grows.

They mistake movement for progress.
They mistake complexity for quality.
They mistake intensity for consistency.

And a year goes by where they’ve “worked hard”…
but never moved forward.

Curiosity + Consistency + Quality = Compounding

What makes B.V.’s progress so powerful is the energy behind it.

Curiosity.

Not ego.
Not self-criticism.
Not desperation.
Not performative motivation.
Not fear of falling behind.

Just:

“I wonder what I’m capable of.”

That kind of curiosity is sustainable.
It doesn’t burn a person out.
It doesn’t create pressure.
It doesn’t demand perfection.
It invites exploration.

Combine that curiosity with consistency and quality — and you get a structure that grows year after year, not week after week.

This is how a man goes from:

• wanting change →

• to compounding change →

• to becoming the kind of person who quietly builds something strong over a decade.

This Is the Secure Engine at Work

In my framework, I differentiate between two primary fuels:

Insecure Fuel
Fear, shame, comparison, self-doubt, pressure.
It gets a person started… but it’s not stable, and not sustainable.

Secure Fuel

Curiosity, clarity, intention, purpose, identity.
It gets a person started and it keeps them going.

The insecure engine will burn a person out.
The secure engine will build a life worth living.

And B.V.’s comment tonight was a reflection of exactly that shift —
training not to outrun something behind him,
but to explore the possibility in front of him.

That’s why he’ll keep making progress.
Not because the training is perfect…
but because the foundation is.

Consistency.
Quality.
Time.
Curiosity.

That’s the formula.

Not sexy.
Not flashy.
Not complicated.

But effective.
Durable.
Repeatable.
And true.

If reading this sparked your own curiosity — if you found yourself wondering what your next year of progress could look like with consistency, quality, and the right structure — I’m leading a 10-week training group starting February 1, 2026.

It’s built for men who want to grow from a secure place, not from pressure or perfectionism. People who want to train with purpose, build durable habits, and see what compounds over 10 intentional weeks. Jump on a quick 15 minute call to see if it’s right for you.

Discipline Must Be Earned

And Why Most Men Never Build the Kind That Lasts

Most men believe discipline is something you either have or don’t.

They look at the men who wake up early, train consistently, eat with intention, and stay committed, and think:

“He’s just built different.”
“I guess I’m not a disciplined guy.”
“Something’s wrong with me.”

But discipline isn’t a personality trait.
It’s a skill.

And like any skill it must be earned.

It’s the natural result of learning how to navigate resistance (external & internal).

And most men only learned to Navigate by one route.

Navigation: The Missing Skillset in Men’s Lives

Every action you want to take — every behavior you need to achieve a desired outcome — must pass through resistance. And its usually the invisible kind: internal resistance.

Internal resistance shows up as:

• doubt

• shame

• guilt

• fear

• sadness

• overwhelm

• avoidance

• insecurity

• old stories

• old identity statements

• emotional residue

• ego defenses

Navigation is the skillset of moving through that resistance so you can take aligned action.

And here’s the part that changes everything:

There are two paths of Navigation:

1. Avoidance

2. Internal Leadership

And the path you choose determines the kind of discipline you build.

1. Navigation Through Avoidance

(The Path Most Men Travel)

Avoidance is the form of navigation men learn earliest and most powerfully.

It looks like:

• shove it down

• numb it out

• push through

• don’t feel

• don’t think

• don’t ask

• don’t express

• just grind

Avoidance is a form of navigation — it moves you through resistance quickly.

In fact, avoidance can lead you into short bursts of discipline fast:

• You feel fear? Bury it, then act.

• You feel shame? Ignore it, then push harder.

• You feel doubt? Suppress it, then sprint.

This works.

Until it doesn’t.

Because what you resist doesn’t disappear — it stores.

These types of thoughts, feelings, and emotions don’t evaporate.
They accumulate.

Avoidance creates:

• pressure

• tightness

• heaviness

• anxiety (worry about the future)

• unpredictable outbursts

• internal disconnection

• a collapsing sense of self-worth

Eventually the storage overflows — spilling into your relationships, habits, health, energy, and identity.

Avoidance can get you into discipline.
But it can never keep you there.

It’s discipline in the form of a sand castle. It will wash away.

2. Navigation Through Internal Leadership

(The Path That Builds Sustainable Discipline)

Internal Leadership is the other — less comfortable — path.

It’s slower.
It’s messier.
It’s emotionally inconvenient.
It forces you to meet what you’ve avoided for years.

But it’s the only path that builds discipline that lasts.

It follows five steps:

Recognition

Seeing the resistance clearly — naming the emotion, the pattern, the story, the sensation.

Ownership

Accepting what you’re feeling - because it make sense.

Direction

Deciding what aligned action is needed, and why it matters.

Execution

Taking one grounded, conscious step through the resistance.

Integration

Reflecting on what happened, learning from it, and letting the emotional charge release.

This path doesn’t push resistance down — it moves through it.

And here’s the key:

What you meet, you release.

What you release, you don’t have to face with the same intensity again.

Internal Leadership lowers the emotional voltage of your internal resistance.

Every rep:

• reduces the friction

• heals the old wiring

• strengthens the new wiring

• makes aligned action easier

• makes discipline more stable

This is discipline that doesn’t require white-knuckling.
It’s discipline that comes from integration — not suppression.

The Two Paths Compared

Navigation → Avoidance → Fast Discipline → Collapse

• quick

• intense

• impressive

• fragile

• unsustainable

• emotionally expensive

Navigation → Internal Leadership → Slow Discipline → Sustainable Discipline

• uncomfortable

• honest

• grounding

• emotionally intelligent

• identity-building

• sustainable

Avoidance gives you speed.
Internal Leadership gives you staying power.

Avoidance gives you short-term execution.
Internal Leadership gives you long-term evolution.

Avoidance produces bursts of effort.
Internal Leadership produces consistency.

Why Men Think They’re Failing

Men assume they lack discipline because they can’t sustain it.

But they’re not failing — their strategy is.

They’re relying on the only navigation strategy they were ever taught:
avoid, suppress, push.

The body can only carry that for so long.

Once it runs out of room, men assume they’re broken.

But they’re not broken — they’re overflowing.

They don’t need more grit.
They need a new internal strategy.

This Is How You Actually Earn Discipline

1. Notice when you’re bypassing resistance by avoiding it - you’ll feel it in your body or hear it in your head.

Recognition.

2. Instead of ignoring the feeling, name it. And validate it - “that makes sense i’m feeling that way.”

Ownership.

3. Ask yourself what aligned action actually looks like.

Direction.

4. Take one grounded step — not a heroic leap.

Execution.

5. Reflect on how the resistance shifted after the action.

Integration.

Repeat.

Discipline is not built through pressure.
It’s built through presence.

The Truth Men Need to Hear

You don’t build discipline by avoiding your internal world.

You build discipline by learning to navigate it.

Avoidance will get you through a few storms.
Internal Leadership will teach you how to captain the ship.

Avoidance gives you discipline that looks strong.
Internal Leadership gives you discipline that is strong.

Avoidance stores your pain.
Internal Leadership releases it.

Avoidance protects you.
Internal Leadership transforms you.

If this resonated with you, I’m putting together a 10 week men’s training group starting February 1, 2026. You’ll rebuild your body from the inside-out…using Internal Leadership to navigate the resistance that’s holding you back. Schedule a call with me to find out more.

“I’m Just an All or Nothing Guy.”

And How That Sentence Quietly Ruins Progress

I hear this one a lot.

In the gym.
During intake calls.
In nutrition conversations.
In moments when someone feels exposed and wants a quick way to retreat.

And the other morning, I heard it again.

The Story

Another trainer asked his client, “How much water have you been getting recently?”

“Three LaCroix’s max,” he said.

My client, who was stretching next to me, asked me quietly:
“How much should we be getting?”

“Half your bodyweight in ounces,” I told him.

Then the other client added:
“I tried carrying around a gallon for a week, but I couldn’t do it.”

And then he dropped the line:
“I’m just an all-or-nothing guy.”

A clean, polished identity statement.

Short.
Simple.
Confident.
And incredibly limiting.

I hear men make this statement often.
It always makes me slow down, tilt my head a little, and get curious.

Behind that sentence is an entire internal world — and usually a lot of unprocessed resistance.

So let’s break it down.

1. Identity or Defense?

When a man says:

“I’m all-or-nothing”

…is that really true?

Or is it a defense?

Most of the time, I find it’s a shield disguised as an identity.

It sounds like:

• “This is just who I am.”

• “It’s part of my wiring.”

• “I can’t help it.”

But underneath, it usually means:

• “I’m protecting myself from the discomfort of failing.”

• “I’m afraid of feeling incompetent.”

• “If I say I’m ‘all-or-nothing,’ I never have to face the shame of ‘not enough.’”

• “Perfect or quit is safer than slow and uncertain.”

All-or-nothing lets you avoid the vulnerability of being a beginner.
It lets you avoid the identity friction that comes with growth.
It lets you avoid the feelings that surface when change gets hard.

That’s not truth. That’s not identity.

It’s armor.

And as with all armor — it protects you, but it also restricts you.

2. How Does This Identity Hold Him Back?

If “all-or-nothing” is your identity…

Most days?
Become nothing.

Why?

Because:

• Most days you can’t be 100%

• Most days don’t provide perfect conditions.

• Most days require what you’ve got, not everything you can give

• Most days don’t give you the emotional spike needed to go “all.”

So the identity effectively writes permission slips that say:

“If I can’t do it perfectly, I don’t have to do it at all.”

That destroys:

• consistency

• momentum

• agency

• resilience

• capacity

The man who is “all-or-nothing” is rarely in motion.

He is waiting.
Waiting for perfect days.
Waiting for perfect motivation.
Waiting for the stars to align.

And during the waiting, nothing changes.

3. How Does This Identity Help Him?

Because here’s the thing:

All identities help us in some way.
Even the ones that hold us back more often.

So what does “all-or-nothing” give a man?

• Intensity — when he goes “all,” he really does go all.

• Control — perfection feels safe.

• Predictability — he knows the rules.

• Escape — he can quit without having to confront deeper emotional resistance.

• Protection — he avoids the vulnerability of slow progress.

• Self-worth hits — short bursts of big effort feel heroic.

“All-or-nothing” often creates big moments…

But almost never creates meaningful change.

Because real change requires the small, steady behaviors that don’t look impressive at all — they just work.

The Hidden Cost of All-or-Nothing: Emotional Avoidance

All-or-nothing protects you from internal resistance.

It shields you from:

• shame

• fear

• sadness

• anger

• insecurity

• vulnerability

But that protection comes at a price:

You never develop the skill to navigate those emotions.

You never learn:

• how to feel discomfort and move through it

• how to take small steps without judging them

• how to act before you feel ready

• how to keep going when the emotional high is gone

You never learn Self-Leadership.

And without Self-Leadership, behavior change is almost impossible.

The Problem Isn’t The Identity — It’s Attachment

Identity isn’t the enemy.

Attachment to a it is.

There are moments where “all-or-nothing” is useful:

• The sprint phase of a project

• A focused training block

• A short-term challenge

• A deep push toward a deadline

• A season where intensity creates breakthrough

Intensity is a tool.

But the problem is when intensity becomes identity — and identity becomes a trap.

A healthy human isn’t all-or-nothing.

A healthy human is adaptable.

Sometimes you need the sprint.
Sometimes you need the walk.
Sometimes you need the rest.
Sometimes you need the messy middle.
Sometimes you need good-enough.
Sometimes you need “just 10% today.”

All-or-nothing is too narrow for a full, well-lived life.

A high-performing life is not built in extremes.
It’s built in the flexibility between them. And the awareness to know when to use them.

The Reframe: From All-or-Nothing → Something-or-Nothing

Change doesn’t require perfection.

It requires something.

One aligned action.
One small step.
One rep.
One honest choice.
One tiny moment of self-leadership.

The man who grows is not the one who waits until he can go “all in.”

It’s the man who consistently chooses something over nothing.

Then you become a man of consistency, a man who gets shit done. Period. Not a man of inconsistency, who gets all things done or none things done.

Final Thought

Fixed identity statements sound powerful…

…but they often hide the very patterns that keep you stuck.

The goal is not to be “all-or-nothing.”
It’s not to be perfect, intense, or always dialed in.

The goal is to be flexible.
Adaptable.
Honest.
Responsive.
Self-led.

Sometimes life calls for a sprint.
Sometimes life calls for a walk.
The wisdom is knowing which one is required — and being willing to switch.

Because the men who change their lives are not the ones who get it perfect.

They’re the ones who learn to stay in action.

If you are a man who needs help shifting this identity for his health and fitness, lets talk.

The 4 Stages of Change

A Road Map of How We Transform Our Lives

Behavior change is often treated like magic:
Pick a goal → try hard → hope for the best.

But real change is predictable. It follows recognizable stages. And the more you understand those stages, the more compassion, clarity, and precision you can bring to your own trajectory.

The 4 Stages of Change track cleanly alongside the Competence Learning Model:

• Unconscious Incompetence → Unawareness

• Conscious Incompetence → Navigation

• Conscious Competence → Discipline

• Unconscious Competence → Habits

This model is not theoretical.
It’s the path every person follows when they grow.

Let’s break down each stage.

Stage 1: Unawareness

(Unconscious Incompetence)

This is the stage of being stuck without knowing why you’re stuck.

You don’t yet see the internal patterns holding you back, so the mind looks externally for explanation and survival:

• “I don’t have time.”

• “It’s just how I am.”

• “This always happens.”

• “I can’t change because my job/kids/energy/etc.”

• “Other people don’t get it.”

• “If circumstances were different, I’d be successful.”

This stage is defined by:

• External blaming

• Fixed identity statements

• Hidden emotional patterns

• Unexamined beliefs

• Ego protections

• Strategic self-preservation

• Avoidance of discomfort

• A false sense of certainty

This is the stage where change feels impossible—not because you’re incapable, but because you aren’t yet aware of what’s actually in your way.

Unawareness is not a moral failure.
It’s a developmental stage.

Everyone begins here.

Stage 2: Navigation

(Conscious Incompetence)

Navigation begins the moment you go from:

“I don’t know what’s holding me back” →
“I see exactly what’s holding me back.”

This is the Self-Leadership Framework in full force:

• Awareness of thoughts, feelings, beliefs, patterns, emotional triggers, and resistance

• Curiosity about why they’re here and how they formed

• Clarity on the outcomes you want and why they matter

• Ownership of your role in the process

• Action in alignment with your values rather than your fears

This stage is:

• messy

• emotional

• confusing

• rewarding

• vulnerable

• empowering

• clunky

• transformative

It’s where old wiring unravels and new pathways begin forming.

You’re consciously working through resistance.
You see the tug-of-war inside you.
You’re discovering the beliefs behind your behaviors.
You’re learning how to respond instead of react.

This is the stage where your identity begins to shift.

Navigation is the hardest stage—and the most important.
This is where almost everyone quits.
This is where almost all change actually happens.

Stage 3: Discipline

(Conscious Competence)

Discipline is the stage where your emotional navigation skills become efficient.

This is what it looks like:

A thought pops up:
“I don’t feel like doing this.”

But instead of spiraling, negotiating, procrastinating, or hiding, you move from:

Awareness → Action
in a matter of seconds.

Examples:

• “I don’t want to get up.” → You’re up 15 seconds later.

• “I don’t feel like training.” → Shoes on, out the door.

• “I don’t want to prep food.” → Vegetables are chopped before the argument even starts.

This stage shows you that:

• Your old wiring is weakening.

• Your new wiring is strengthening.

• You’re becoming someone who can act in alignment even when you don’t want to.

Discipline still requires energy, but far less than Navigation.

If Navigation is the construction phase,
Discipline is the newly paved road—smooth enough to drive, but still some small bumps along the way.

This is the stage where confidence is built rep by rep.

Stage 4: Habits

(Unconscious Competence)

Habit is the stage where the behaviors that used to feel hard become who you are.

They are:

• fast

• frictionless

• automatic

• identity-driven

• integrated

You no longer “try” to do them—
you simply do them because you are them.

This is:

• the early bedtime

• the morning movement

• the way you eat

• the way you communicate

• the boundaries you keep

• the workouts you never skip

• the self-leadership you practice daily

Habit is the stage where the behavior becomes part of your identity:

“I’m someone who trains.”
“I’m someone who honors commitments.”
“I’m someone who expresses feelings honestly.”
“I’m someone who takes care of my body.”

But here’s the nuance people forget:

Not every important behavior becomes a habit.

Some actions:

• will always require discipline

• will always require occasional re-navigation

• will always present some friction

And that’s okay.

The goal is not to automate your whole life.
The goal is to reduce unnecessary friction and strengthen identity-aligned behaviors.

A Final Note: Change Is Not Linear

You don’t graduate from a stage forever.

You can:

• be in Habit for sleep

• in Discipline for training

• in Navigation for nutrition

• in Unawareness for emotional expression

Different actions live in different stages.

And life transitions—stress, grief, injury, kids, work, identity shifts—can move you backward temporarily.

This isn’t failure.

It’s a dynamic process.

Self-leadership means knowing which stage you're in for each behavior—and applying the right tools for it.

If you are looking to join a group of men who are transitioning from Unawareness to Navigation in their fitness journey - I’m putting one together to support you on the path. Jump on a call with me HERE.

Are you Trojan Horsing Yourself?

There’s a pattern I’ve been noticing, not just in the men I coach but in myself. Most people don’t run from their purpose. They don’t hide from their calling. They don’t outright reject the thing they quietly know they are meant to do. What they do instead is more subtle. They Trojan Horse it.

They build the safe version. The acceptable version. The version that won’t get them judged or questioned or exposed. They build something adjacent to their truth and then convince themselves it is close enough.

I know this move intimately. For months I built Evergreen Performance with a quiet, almost admirable logic. If I package this the right way, if I talk about performance and fitness and frameworks, then maybe I can slip the deeper work inside without saying it too loudly. I wanted to help men reclaim themselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually, but I didn’t want to stand in that truth directly. Saying it plainly felt like too much. It felt vulnerable in a way I wasn’t ready for. So I created a Trojan Horse, a beautifully built and well-intentioned container that held almost the work I am meant to do, but not quite.

It worked in the way pretending always works for a little while. It created enough traction to keep me busy. Enough alignment that I didn’t feel totally out of integrity. Enough forward motion to convince myself I was on the right track. But something was off. At first it was a faint sense of dissonance I kept trying to outrun. Eventually, after five or six weeks, it hit me with a heaviness I could no longer ignore: this is not the track.

Not because Evergreen was wrong, but because it wasn’t fully mine. I was using it as a shield, a costume, a way to inch toward my truth without ever having to actually stand in it.

Boyd Varty writes in The Lion Tracker’s Guide to Life, “The path of not here is part of the path of here.” That line has been sitting in me like a stone because it captures exactly what Trojan Horsing is. You build the wrong thing long enough to feel the truth of the right thing. You follow the false track until the contrast becomes undeniable. It is not failure. It is orientation. It is the moment you finally stop pretending you don’t know what you know.

When that moment comes, it carries a mix of emotions that reveals the truth. There is a spark of excitement. There is a sense of flow, like something inside is finally moving the way it wants to move. And there is fear, the sharp and electric kind, because stepping into the real work requires stepping out from behind the walls. That combination of excitement, flow, and fear is the signature of a path that is actually yours.

I do not know exactly where this new direction takes me, at least not yet. What I do know is that I am on the real track now, and once you feel that, you cannot unfeel it.

If you are reading this and something in you whispers, “I think I might be Trojan Horsing my life too,” then pay attention to that. It might be the first step toward stepping into the thing you were always meant to do.

The Self-Leadership Framework in Action

How One Commitment, One Holiday, and One Conversation Show What Real Change Looks Like

I’m two weeks into guiding H.P. through The Self-Leadership Framework.

She’s been an in-person client of mine for over two years, and for the last 18 months she’s been dealing with nerve-related pain—real, life-disrupting pain—without a clear diagnosis yet. You can imagine the frustration. It’s touched every area of her life. It’s narrowed her world. It’s made even simple days hard.

But here’s what makes her unique:

She came to me not looking for pity, but with Awareness.

She said, essentially:
“I can’t control everything about this pain. But I can control the things that influence it.”

And one of those things was her nutrition—specifically, going gluten-free again.

That’s where the Self-Leadership Practice begins.

Macro-Level Self-Leadership: Reclaiming What You Can Control

1. Awareness

Her starting point was simple and powerful:

“My pain is limiting my life. I need to take responsibility for the things I can influence.”

No blame.
No denial.
Just reality (and the glimmer of Ownership)

2. Curiosity

We explored:

• What role does gluten play in her inflammation?

• What changes when she removes it?

• And more importantly:
  Why did she stray from gluten-free eating in the first place?

Curiosity unearths the invisible forces (resistance) behind behavior.

3. Clarity

Clarity is where intention becomes a commitment.

Her statement:

“I am committed to consuming gluten zero times in the next 45 days.”

Then she wrote down 7–10 reasons why this commitment mattered.

These reasons become fuel when resistance shows up—which it always does.

We organized them:

• Secure motivations first

• Insecure motivations second

Not because insecure reasons are useless—sometimes they’re the “break glass in case of emergency” backup generator—but because we don’t want to reinforce them as the primary drivers of action.

Secure energy sustains.
Insecure energy exhausts.

4. Ownership

This is the stage where you have to be radically honest with yourself. Take full responsibility for the actions you haven’t been taking, the real reasons why, and navigate the discomfort that arises around it.

Ownership is the bridge between clarity and action.

5. Action

Action is where transformation happens—not in grand gestures, but in the ordinary, daily decisions:

Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner.
Yes/no.
This or that.
Is this aligned with my commitment or not?

That’s the macro-level Self-Leadership loop.

But real life rarely happens at the macro level.
Real life happens in micro moments.

Which brings us to Thanksgiving week.

Micro-Level Self-Leadership: When Real Life Walks Through the Door

Thanksgiving is a perfect storm for resistance:

• Family in town

• Busy schedules

• Social expectations

• Traditions

• Foods that come once a year

• Emotional baggage that comes despite your best effort

So I asked her:

“Have you decided how you’re going to navigate Thanksgiving?
Will you honor your commitment, or will you give yourself permission because it’s a holiday?”

To me, it makes no difference whether she eats gluten or avoids it.

What matters is that she chooses consciously.
With Ownership.
Not default.
Not autopilot.
Not “I guess.”

Her initial response?

“I think I might try to avoid the gluten foods.”

Notice the language:
I think…
I might…

That’s indecision disguised as intention.

So we stayed Curious.

Awareness → Curiosity → Clarity → Ownership → Action

Awareness

Thanksgiving is coming.
Gluten will be everywhere.
Resistance is guaranteed.

Curiosity

What resistance is showing up?

External resistance:

• The logistics of making separate foods

• Limited stove space

• Family dynamics

• Holiday chaos

Internal resistance:

• Fear of asking for what she needs

• Fear of being “too much” or “inconvenient”

• Fear of judgment

• Fear of advocating for herself

Now we’re getting somewhere.

Clarity

We revisit:

• Her commitment

• Her secure reasons why

Clarity reactivates the intention.

Ownership + Action

Now we map solutions:

Stuffing:
“My mom used to make me a gluten-free version…”

“Is this something you can ask her to do?”

(And here’s the side note: asking for your needs to be met is often scarier than saying no to a food. Both she and I share this wiring.)

She pauses.

“Yes. And it’s a great opportunity to strengthen advocating for myself.”

Bread:
Found a new gluten-free bakery in town, near her house.
Solution locked.

Gravy:
“The stove is full… it’s another pan… it’s a lot to ask…”

That’s the external resistance.

“What’s underneath that?”

“…Okay, maybe some fear around asking for that on top of the stuffing.”

There it is.

“Do you want to lean into that, or find another solution?”

“I could just make it ahead of time and reheat it.”

Perfect.

The goal is not to fight every dragon.
The goal is to move forward with agency, consciously.

In this one conversation, she practiced:

• Emotional awareness

• Curiosity

• Honest reflection

• Self-advocacy

• Boundary setting

• Problem-solving

• Ownership

• Action aligned with her commitment

That’s Self-Leadership in real time.

This Is What Real Change Looks Like

Not motivational speeches.
Not discipline hacks.
Not morning routines or 5AM alarms.

But a human sitting across from me, learning to:

• See her resistance

• Name it

• Understand it

• Choose her response

• Communicate her needs

• And act with integrity

This is the work.

And here’s the final, most important truth:

Whether she navigates the resistance successfully or unsuccessfully, we win.

Because every outcome is an opportunity:

• If she follows through → she strengthens her identity.

• If she doesn’t → we learn where the resistance holds the most power, and why.

This is not about perfection.
It’s about practice.

Self-Leadership is not a finish line.
It’s a skill.
A muscle.
A daily way of relating to yourself and your life.

And watching her put it into practice—macro and micro—is the clearest illustration of why this framework works.

If you need help this holiday season with aligning your actions with the outcomes you’re after then Start Here.

The 3 Vehicles for Change

How We Move From Who We Are to Who We Want to Become

Every change you want in life comes down to one thing:

Consistently aligning your actions with your desired outcomes.

Sounds simple.
It’s not.

That’s why we have a multi-billion dollar self-help industry.

We all say we want certain outcomes—less pain, better health, deeper relationships, more confidence, stronger boundaries, more consistency, more peace—but our actions rarely match those intentions.

The reason is not lack of desire.
It’s lack of frameworks, systems, and skills to navigate the resistance on your path to those outcomes. From my 20 years in coaching I’ve identified three stages that result in sustainable, lasting change.

Here are the 3 Vehicles of Change:

1. Habit

2. Discipline

3. Navigation (the messy, emotional work few want to actually do)

Let’s break them down.

1. Habit: The Autonomus, Self-Driving Vehicle

Habit is the most efficient vehicle of change because it requires almost zero energy.

A habit is an action you’ve repeated enough times that it becomes unconscious.
It runs without friction.
It bypasses resistance entirely.

Your brain loves habits because they save energy.
And the brain’s top priority is efficiency.

When a behavior becomes a habit, it’s like your nervous system says:

“Don’t worry, I got this.”

This is where we want all of our important behaviors to live:

• Strength training

• Eating in alignment with your goals

• Going to bed on time

• Speaking honestly

• Brushing our teeth

• Daily movement

• Emotional check-ins

• Meditation

• Journaling

• Whatever matters most

When something becomes a habit, it becomes a default identity behavior—you do it because it’s who you are, not because you negotiated with yourself.

But here’s the truth no one likes to own:

Habits take time to build.

There’s no hack, no shortcut, no 21-day magic.
Habits are the destination—not the starting point.

And before a habit becomes a habit, you have to pass through the next vehicle.

2. Discipline: The High Powered, Off-Road 4x4

Discipline is the stage before habit. It’s the rugged, power through any resistance vehicle of change.

It’s the ability to take action, quickly, regardless of how you feel.

Discipline looks like this:

Alarm goes off at 5:00am.
Your first thought: I don’t want to.

And then by 5:00:15 you’re on your feet.

Or:

“I don’t feel like going on this run.”
And then one minute later your shoes are on and you’re out the door.

Or:

“I don’t want to cook tonight.”
And then you’re chopping vegetables anyway.

Discipline is quick.
It’s strong.
But requires some fuel.

There’s resistance, but it’s small enough that you can step over it. You don’t have to dig deep. You don’t have to psych yourself up. You don’t have to unravel your childhood trauma before acting.

Discipline requires more energy than habit, but is still pretty efficient.

If Habit is the neural superhighway—fast, smooth, automatic—then Discipline is the same highway, but there’s still construction cones on the side and a few potholes lingering around.

Still drivable.
Still gets you there.
Just not quite effortless.

Most people think the path to change is all discipline.

But discipline isn’t the starting point.

Before discipline comes the clunkiest vehicle of all…

3. Navigation: The ‘92 Honda Accord Hand-me Down from Grandma

Navigation is where almost everyone fails—not because they can’t do the behaviors, but because they don’t have the skillset to become aware, understand, influence, and communicate their internal world.

Navigation is when:

• Old habits are breaking

• New habits aren’t built yet

• Resistance is loud

• Emotions are messy

• Thoughts are conflicted

• Identity is shifting

• Outcomes are unclear

• Fear is present

This is the stage people mistake as “failure,” when in reality it’s the stage where all meaningful change actually begins.

Navigation is emotional.
It’s psychological.
It’s personal.
It’s vulnerable.
It’s human.

And this is where the Self-Leadership Framework lives:

Awareness

Seeing the resistance—both external and internal (thoughts, feelings, emotions).
Naming the patterns, habits, defaults, stories, fears, impulses, urges.

Curiosity

Asking why they’re here.
What purpose they served.
What they’re protecting.
What they’re afraid of losing.

Clarity

Getting clear on:

• the desired outcome

• the reasons it matters

• the secure motivations

• the plan

• the boundaries

• the identity you’re stepping into

And all the reasons WHY it matters.

Clarity reduces friction before action.

Ownership

Taking full responsibility for:

• where you’re starting

• what you’ve avoided

• what needs to change

• how you’re going to move forward

Ownership turns intention into empowerment.

Action

Not perfect.
Not heroic.
Not aesthetic.

Action as in:
One aligned rep.

Action begins the rewiring.
Action builds the pathway toward discipline.
Action creates the conditions for habits to eventually form.

Navigation is the messy, emotional stage of change—the one no one wants to admit they’re in, but the one we all must pass through.

It’s also the most meaningful stage, because it’s where you learn:

• who you are

• what you fear

• what you avoid

• how you respond

• what stories run your life

• where your resistance lives

• and what you’re truly capable of

Navigation is the birthplace of change.

The Sequence of Real Change

Change from the bottom follows this flow:

Navigation → Discipline → Habit

Most people try to start at Habit (go all or nothing…and get nothing).
Or rely only on Discipline (without honestly meeting the resistance it overcomes).
Or skip Navigation entirely (never uproots old patterns).

Habits are the goal.
Discipline is the path .
Navigation is the foundation.

If you’re struggling to be consistent, it’s not because you’re weak or unmotivated.

It’s because you’re in the Navigation stage—and no one taught you how to navigate your inner world.

That’s what the Self-Leadership Practice is for.

The Vehicle You’re In Determines the Strategy You Need

• If you’re in Habit, focus on refinement.

• If you’re in Discipline, focus on repetition.

• If you’re in Navigation, focus on emotional awareness, clarity, and self-leadership.

Different stage.
Different tools.
Different expectations.

The key is knowing which vehicle you’re in, and why.

This Is How You Change Your Life

Change isn’t magic.
Change isn’t linear.
Change isn’t heroic.

Change is a process of moving from:

• Messy Navigation to Consistent Discipline to Automatic Habits

This is how you build a life aligned with your values, your goals, and your vision of yourself.

Not by force.
Not by shame.
Not by “trying harder.”

But by learning to work with the truth of human behavior—and the truth of your internal world.

Change is simply the art of aligning action with outcomes...and Self-Leadership is the foundation that it’s built on.

Do you have an outcome you’re after and struggling to align actions with? Let’s just on a free 30 minute coaching call and i’ll set you up with your next steps. Schedule Here.

Resistance: A Two Pronged Approach

I was training a client this morning, J.U.—early 60s, long-time dancer, more recent golfer. For the last year she’s been focused on improving her golf game. And like most golfers in the Pacific Northwest, she’s heading into a season with more range time and less on-course play.

She said something this morning that opened up a great discussion:

“When I’m at the range or playing alone, I’m good.
But when I start playing with other people, I’m not.”

There’s always something underneath a statement like that.

So I asked:
“Tell me more.”

She said, “I just need to control my mind so it doesn’t get in the way of my swing.”

This is a huge realization (Awareness - a first step in the self-leadership framework):

Her swing wasn’t the problem.
Her mind was — the resistance.

“What’s happening in your mind?” I asked.

“I’m thinking about not messing up.”

“And what would happen if you did mess up?”

“I think about the other people.”

“Are you worried about what they’ll think?”

“Yes… I don’t want them to think I’m bad or let them down because I’m not as good as them.”

There it was — the resistance:

Fear of other people’s opinions.

As sport psychologist Dr. Michael Gervais says,
“The greatest constrictor of human performance.”

We didn’t go deep into solutions today, but the resistance was found — and once you can track it, you can work with it.

There are two ways to navigate this type of resistance:

1. The Top-Down Approach

Work with the thinking

This is the quick-access, in-the-moment strategy.

Your thoughts are not the problem — your attachment to them is.

Two simple tools:

LABEL

When the worry shows up:
“Don’t mess up… they’re watching… don’t embarrass yourself…”

Label it:
“Unhelpful.”
Let it pass.

We don’t control the thoughts that enter our mind.
We control which ones stay.

REPLACE

Insert a pre-planned thought that reconnects you to your capability.

This could be a word, phrase, image, or a personal “Game Face.”

Dan Abrahams, Sports Psychologist, teaches a simple model: pick 2–3 words that embody your best performance.

When I played competitive soccer, mine were:
Smooth. Aggressive. ’Dinho.
Movement quality. Mindset. Model.

These anchor you back to the present and your best performance state.

Top-down tools work.
But they’re not one-and-done.
You’ll use them repeatedly — and over time the mind stops sending the same volume of noise.

2. The Bottom-Up Approach

Work with the body: emotions, sensations, beliefs

Those unhelpful thoughts are driven by something deeper — usually fear.

Fear produces a physiological response:

• tightness

• nausea

• nerves

• buzzing

• pressure in the chest

• jaw tension

If you identify the sensation, you can release it through:

• breathwork

• movement

• grounding

• somatic techniques

When the sensation releases, the thought loses its fuel.

This is also an “in the moment” tool but reaches deeper than the thinking layer.

The Deeper Work (Where the Real Change Lives)

What core belief is generating the fear of other people’s opinions?

Is it:

• “My worth is tied to my performance.”

• “I need to be good to belong.”

• “Mistakes make me unlikable.”

• “If I’m not the best, I don’t deserve to be here.”

These beliefs aren’t formed on the golf course.
They show up there.

I’m not a psychologist, but part of my job is to help clients get to the doorway.
To recognize the resistance.
To name it.
To feel it.
To begin working with it.

If you want to truly navigate the fear of other people’s opinions, you need both:

• Top-down: Working with the thinking

• Bottom-up: Working with the emotions, sensations, and core beliefs

That’s the only way the internal resistance stops hijacking the external performance.

Because the real swing isn’t made with the club.

It’s made when the mind and body are anchored in the present.

If you need help getting there — Start Here.

The Most Important Skillset for Behavior Change

There’s a belief I hold that sits underneath everything I coach, everything I teach, and everything I practice in my own life:

Emotional Intelligence is the most important skillset for behavior change.

Not mindset.
Not discipline.
Not willpower.

Emotional intelligence.

Most people think behavior change is about building better habits or finding the “right program.” But the real obstacle—the thing that keeps people stuck, repeating the same patterns, living below their potential—is internal resistance. And resistance is almost always emotional.

If you don’t understand your emotions, you can’t navigate resistance.
If you can’t navigate resistance, you can’t change your behavior.
If you can’t change your behavior, you can’t change your life.

This is why emotional intelligence matters more than anything else.

Emotion Drives Every Action You Take

Travis Bradberry puts it plainly in Emotional Intelligence 2.0:

“Whether you are aware of it or not, the motivation behind every action (no matter how small) is inherently emotional.”

Before your rational brain even has a seat at the table, your emotional brain has already ordered drinks, paid the bill, and taken the car keys.

Emotions spur you to act.
Your thoughts work to reinforce the action.

Bradberry continues:

“Your rational thoughts, driven by an understanding of your emotions, give you the opportunity to channel your emotions into producing the behavior you want. Without this awareness, your emotions are in control… they take the wheel and drive the bus, sometimes right off a cliff.”

This is the entire essence of emotional intelligence:

Seeing what you feel, so you can choose what you do.

Without that awareness?
Your emotions run the show. And they don’t always have your best interest in mind.

When Life Goes Right (and When It Goes Wrong)

Dr. Marc Brackett, Director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, echoes this truth in Dealing with Feeling:

“Pretty much everything that has gone right in your life was the result of you having an intelligent, helpful response to an emotion you experienced.”

Read that again.

Everything that has gone right.

Then the other side:

“And nearly every time something went wrong…it was because you had an unwise reaction to what you felt.”

You don’t need another productivity hack.
You don’t need a stricter diet.
You don’t need a more complicated training plan.

You need to learn how to respond intelligently to what you feel.

Because once you can do that?
Your life opens up.

Brackett pushes one critical distinction:

“That does not mean we will try to control our emotions…but we can choose how we’ll respond to those feelings. And those choices make all the difference in our lives.”

This is the skill.

Not emotional control.
Emotional clarity.
Emotional choice.

My Simple Definitions

Over the last decade of coaching, this is how I define the pieces of the emotional world:

• Emotion: the raw physical sensation in the body

• Feeling: the subjective description you give to that sensation

• Thought: the interpretation that follows

Emotion → Feeling → Thought
Body → Label → Story

Most people try to change the story (“I just need to think positive”).
But behavior change happens at the root—not the branches.

If you want better stories, you need better sensing.
If you want better actions, you need better awareness.

The Skill That Changed My Life

I was 31 years old when I realized I had the emotional intelligence of a kindergartner.

I could train athletes.
I could build a business.
I could push myself physically.

But ask me what I was feeling?
Why I snapped?
Why I shut down?
Why I avoided certain conversations or behaviors?

I had no idea.

I wasn’t unintelligent.
I was emotionally uninformed.

So I went to work—not in the gym, but in my inner world.

I learned to:

• Recognize sensations in my body

• Name what I felt

• Navigate it with curiosity instead of judgment

• Communicate it with honesty to myself and others

That process took me from disconnected → integrated.

From reactive → responsive.
From living on autopilot → living awake.
From guarded → open.

As I developed emotional intelligence in myself, something else happened:

I started to understand others more deeply.

I could:

• See their emotions

• Validate their experience

• Empathize without absorbing

• Connect without collapsing

• Listen without defending

It changed my relationships.
It changed my coaching.
It changed the trajectory of my life.

And it’s been the single biggest reason the quality of my life has transformed over the last five years.

Why This Matters for Behavior Change

Most choose stories that affirm their behaviors of avoidance:

• “i’m not that kind of person”

• “I’m not good at discipline”

• “but what would they think of me”

• “I just don’t have time”

But that resistance those stories, have an emotional source:

Shame.
Fear.
Avoidance.
Insecurity.
Overwhelm.
Doubt.
Uncertainty.
Comparison.

These emotions and feelings create the friction that makes change feel hard.

When you lack emotional intelligence, that friction wins.
When you build emotional intelligence, you learn to move through it.

This is why I say:

Emotional intelligence is the most important skillset for behavior change.

Because every outcome you want—health, performance, confidence, connection, leadership, love, longevity—requires you to consistently navigate your internal world.

If you can’t do that, you can’t change.
If you can, you become unstoppable.

The Good News

Emotional intelligence isn’t something you’re born with.
It’s something you learn.

It’s a trainable skillset.

Recognizing what you feel.
Naming what you feel.
Understanding why it’s there.
Navigating it with clarity.
Communicating it with honesty.
Acting in alignment with your values.

Do that consistently, and behavior change becomes natural—not forced.

Resistance becomes a guide, not an enemy.

And you begin to live a life that is not just accomplished, but deeply, meaningfully lived.

If you’re ready to take your health and fitness goals back into your own hands, I’m here to help. We can start building the Emotional Intelligence you need together —> Here.

The Secure Engine

How Men Look Better, Feel Better, and Perform Better by Acting From Strength Instead of Fear

Most men learn to move through the world fueled by insecurity — shame, fear, inadequacy, comparison, disappointment, self-doubt.

This insecure engine works.
It produces accomplishments. Promotions. PRs. Status. Income.

But it can never produce a well-lived life.
Only a well-accomplished one.

The secure engine — grounded confidence, self-respect, presence, peace, clarity, purpose — is what produces sustainable momentum and a life worth inhabiting.

This article explores how secure emotional energy drives the three core goals men express:

Look Better. Feel Better. Perform Better.

Each section examines:

1. What Men Say

2. What They Really Mean

3. The Secure Feelings That Drive Lasting Change

4. Why It Matters (Self-Leadership)

5. Training Levers

Let’s build the map.

1. LOOK BETTER — The Secure Engine

What Men Say

“I want to get ripped again.”
“I want to look athletic.”
“I want to be proud of how I show up.”

What They Really Mean

“I’m ready to align how I look with who I know I am.”
“I want my appearance to reflect my standards.”
“I want to step into a version of myself I respect.”

Secure Feelings That Drive This Goal

These feelings have clean emotional charge — they expand a man rather than constrict him:

• Confidence: “I trust myself to show up.”

• Self-Respect: “I’m worth the effort.”

• Hope: “There’s more in me.”

• Clarity: “This is the kind of man I am becoming.”

• Healthy Pride: “I’m proud of my discipline.”

• Regulated Motivation: “I’m excited for this challenge.”

These feelings generate steady momentum, rather than the frantic push of insecurity.

Why It Matters (Self-Leadership)

When a man chooses to look better from secure energy, he’s not escaping shame — he’s claiming identity.

Through Self-Leadership:

• Curiosity: What does my true self actually look like?

• Awareness: This desire is coming from dignity, not shame.

• Clarity: I want alignment, not validation.

• Ownership: I’m choosing this standard for myself.

• Action: Consistent reps → consistent results → consistent identity.

Secure energy builds self-trust.
Self-trust builds the man.

Training Levers

The actions that get us there physically:

Nutrition: calories (cut or bulk depending on goal), adequate protein, hydration
Training: 10–20 hypertrophy sets/muscle/week, 8–15 reps, 0–3 RIR, 3–5 lifting days/week, 1–2 conditioning days

2. FEEL BETTER — The Secure Engine

What Men Say

“I’m tired of being hurt all the time.”
“I want more energy.”
“I want to feel like myself again.”

What They Really Mean

“I want my body to support my life, not limit it.”
“I want freedom instead of restriction.”
“I want to feel connected to myself again.”

Secure Feelings That Drive This Goal

These are open, grounded, regulated, life-enhancing feelings:

• Relief: “I don’t have to feel this way.”

• Gratitude: “I get to take care of this body.”

• Peace: “I’m no longer fighting myself.”

• Presence: “I’m here — in my body.”

• Contentment: “I feel good where I am.”

• Confidence: “I can move with ease now.”

• Empowerment: “I have the ability to change how I feel.”

These feelings restore embodiment, the precondition for connection, clarity, and emotional regulation.

Why It Matters (Self-Leadership)

Feeling better teaches men the deepest skill of all: listening to themselves and acting in a way that honors their needs

Through Self-Leadership:

• Curiosity: What is my body telling me?

• Awareness: I’ve been disconnected for too long.

• Clarity: I want ease, energy, and vitality.

• Ownership: I’m responsible for how I feel.

• Action: Mobility → stability → strength → habitual movement.

Secure fuel turns movement into care instead of punishment.

Training Levers

Nutrition: quality food, recovery calories, hydration
Training: corrective exercise, mobility, lighter loads, movement variety, tempo control

3. PERFORM BETTER — The Secure Engine

What Men Say

“I want to bomb my drive.”
“I want to keep up with my kids this winter.”
“I don’t want them waiting on me.”

What They Really Mean

“I want to experience capability.”
“I want to challenge myself through meaningful effort.”
“I want to feel alive through performance.”

Secure Feelings That Drive This Goal

These are expansive, energized, purposeful states:

• Confidence: “My body responds when I train with intention.”

• Joy: “I love feeling athletic.”

• Engagement: “I feel alive when I’m in motion.”

• Flow: “Everything connects.”

• Presence: “I’m locked in.”

• Purpose: “This gives my life direction.”

• Empowerment: “I can take on real challenges.”

These feelings create sustainable, high-quality training — without burnout, injury, or ego-driven chaos.

Why It Matters (Self-Leadership)

Secure performance training develops a man’s personal power — not power over others, but power within himself.

Through Self-Leadership:

• Curiosity: What am I capable of?

• Awareness: Where am I holding back?

• Clarity: What is this season asking for?

• Ownership: I choose to train like an athlete for life.

• Action: strength → power → conditioning → specificity.

When the secure engine drives performance, a man becomes a force — calm, grounded, and intentional.

Training Levers

Nutrition: calories to fuel performance, protein to aid muscle and recovery, hydration
Training: power, strength, hypertrophy, conditioning, sport-specific prep

THE HEART OF IT ALL

A Well-Accomplished Life vs. A Well-Lived Life

Here’s the truth most men never realize:

Insecure energy builds a well-accomplished life.
Secure energy builds a well-lived life.

Both have power.
Both can drive action.
Both can create outcomes.

But they create very different men.

The insecure engine produces:

achievement, hustle, status, exhaustion, self-doubt, isolation, burnout.

The secure engine produces:

clarity, confidence, connection, steady progress, longevity, presence, peace.

A man doesn’t need to eliminate insecure energy —
he just needs to stop letting it run the whole system.

Because insecure fuel burns fast,
and secure fuel burns long.

THE REAL WORK: SELF-LEADERSHIP

Self-Leadership is the process of learning to:

• recognize insecure vs. secure feelings

• understand both without judgment

• choose consciously which to act from

• use insecurity as temporary ignition

• use secure energy as sustainable power

This is where men stop reacting
and start leading themselves.

It’s how they look better, feel better, and perform better —
in a way that lasts.

Because the goal isn’t just transformation.
It’s to feel fully alive again — in mind, body, and heart.

And no man should have to do it alone.

If you’re ready to step into your fitness from a place of security then Start Here

Look Better. Feel Better. Perform Better.

What Men Say, What They Mean, What They’re Really Feeling, and Why It Matters

Most men tell me the same three things when they reach out:

“I want to look better.”
“I want to feel better.”
“I want to perform better.”

These goals seem simple. But underneath each one is:

1. What he says (the surface-level problem)

2. What he means (the deeper need)

3. What he’s really feeling (the emotional landscape he can’t name)

4. Why it matters (how those feelings guide — or sabotage — change)

This is the map.
This is the truth most men have never been shown.

1. LOOK BETTER

What Men Say

“I need to lose this gut.”
“I want to get lean again.”
“I want to look like I take care of myself.”

What They Really Mean

“I miss the man I used to be.”
“I want to respect myself again.”
“I want to feel confident in my own skin.”

What They’re Really Feeling

• Shame: “I’ve let myself go.”

• Embarrassment: “I don’t want anyone to see me like this.”

• Inadequacy: “I should be better than this.”

• Grief: “I don’t recognize myself anymore.”

• Hope: “I still believe I can get back to him.”

Why It Matters

Until a man sees that “looking better” is really about identity and self-trust, he keeps trying to fix the body while ignoring the beliefs underneath.

This is where Self-Leadership begins:

• Curiosity: “Why does this matter so much to me?”

• Awareness: “This isn’t about abs — it’s about self-respect.”

• Clarity: “What do I actually want to feel?”

• Ownership: “My choices created this. My choices can change it.”

• Action: Structure, consistency, follow-through.

And here’s the truth:
Insecurity can be fuel — just not the only fuel.
It’s a tool. Not the foundation.

Used consciously, it creates urgency.
Used unconsciously, it creates shame cycles.

Learning the difference is self-leadership.

Training Levers: Look Better

Nutrition: calories deficit or bulk, protein intake, hydration
Training: 10–20 hypertrophy sets/muscle/week, 8–15 reps, 0–3 RIR, 3–5 lifts/week, 1–2 conditioning days

2. FEEL BETTER

What Men Say

“I feel stiff all the time.”
“My body hurts.”
“My energy sucks.”
“I feel older than I am.”

What They Really Mean

“I feel trapped in a body that used to work.”
“I miss feeling alive.”
“I don’t want to keep living like this.”

What They’re Really Feeling

• Frustration: “Why is this so hard now?”

• Overwhelm: “I don’t know what to fix.”

• Fear: “Is this the beginning of decline?”

• Disconnect: “My body doesn’t feel like mine anymore.”

• Numbness: “I don’t feel much of anything.”

Why It Matters

Feeling better is not just about mobility or pain — it’s about reconnection.

These feelings are signals:

• Frustration → tells him something needs to change

• Overwhelm → shows he needs structure

• Fear → reveals where he’s avoiding truth

• Disconnect → highlights the need for embodiment

• Numbness → shows he’s been suppressing too long

Through the Self-Leadership Framework:

• Curiosity: “What is my body trying to tell me?”

• Awareness: “I’ve ignored this for years.”

• Clarity: “I want to feel capable again.”

• Ownership: “I created this pattern — and I can change it.”

• Action: restorative training, mobility, movement variety

When a man feels better in his body, he becomes available to life again.

Training Levers: Feel Better

Nutrition: calories for maintenance, food quality, hydration
Training: corrective exercise, mobility, stability, lighter loads, movement variety

3. PERFORM BETTER

What Men Say

“I want to get ready for ski season.”
“I want to hit the ball farther.”
“I want to feel explosive again.”

What They Really Mean

“I want to feel capable again.”
“I miss the feeling of being an athlete.”
“I want to know I’ve still got it.”

What They’re Really Feeling

• Self-doubt: “What if I can’t do this anymore?”

• Pride: “I know what I’m capable of.”

• Fear: “What if my best days are behind me?”

• Drive: “There’s more in me — I know it.”

• Longing: “I want to feel powerful again.”

Why It Matters

Performance goals are rarely about the sport — they’re about identity, competence, and power.

These feelings matter because:

• Self-doubt becomes direction when held with awareness

• Fear becomes preparation

• Pride becomes purpose

• Drive becomes consistency

• Longing becomes intention

Through Self-Leadership:

• Curiosity: “Where do I still have power?”

• Awareness: “I’ve been coasting.”

• Clarity: “This is the version of me I want to live as.”

• Ownership: “I choose to train like an athlete again.”

• Action: strength, power, conditioning, specificity

Performing better reignites a man's personal power.

Training Levers: Perform Better

Nutrition: calories to fuel intensity, quality food, hydration, protein
Training: power, strength, hypertrophy, energy system development

THE REAL REASON THIS MATTERS

(Where All Roads Lead: Self-Leadership)**

Look Better → driven by shame, inadequacy, hope
Feel Better → driven by frustration, overwhelm, disconnect
Perform Better → driven by pride, fear, longing, drive

Each pathway leads to one truth:

A man cannot change what he refuses to see clearly.

When he understands his real motivations —
the insecurity, the longing, the pride, the fear —
he gains conscious choice.

He can use insecurity as:

• information,

• direction,

• temporary fuel,

• but NOT identity.

This is Self-Leadership:

• Curiosity gives him access to truth.

• Awareness gives him the full picture.

• Clarity gives him direction.

• Ownership gives him power.

• Action gives him transformation.

My coaching teaches men how to use their inner world — not ignore it —
and turn their physical goals into a pathway to deeper connection.

Because the truth is:

Men think they want to look better, feel better, and perform better.
What most actually want is accept themselves.

Micro-Avoidance: The Tiny Resistance That Trips Up Mid-Life Men

By Alex R. Hargrove

Most men don’t lose battles in big moments.
They lose them in small ones.

Not in the “life collapses and everything’s on fire” moments — but in the quiet, almost invisible micro-moments where something simple needs doing… and they avoid it.

A text they need to send.
A workout they said they’d start.
A promise they made to their partner.
A task that would take 4 minutes but somehow weighs 400 pounds.

They don’t blow it up.
They just… don’t do it.

And then they avoid the fact that they didn’t do it.

This is micro-avoidance — and for the former competitive athlete now in mid-life, this is the resistance that causes the most damage. Not because it’s dramatic, but because it’s subtle. Quiet. Erosive. And can become relentlessly consistent.

Let me give you an example from my own life — not to center me, but to show you how this sneaks into the life of every man I coach.

My partner asked for Day 2 of her training program.
It was done.
The videos were filmed.
All I needed to do was edit them and send them.

It should’ve taken 10 minutes.
I avoided it for a week.

I even avoided sending a screenshot — the single most effortless option available.

Every day I said, “I’ll do it later.”
Every day I didn’t.

That’s micro-avoidance.
And every man reading this knows exactly what that moment feels like.

1. What Micro-Avoidance Actually Is

Emotional avoidance disguised as procrastination.

Micro-avoidance isn’t laziness.
It’s not a lack of forgetfulness.
It’s not a planning issue.

It’s the nervous system saying:

“Something about this tiny task feels threatening…
so let’s avoid it and do something that feels better.”

The task isn’t the problem.
The emotion attached to the task is.

For men, the emotional load might be:

• fear of disappointing someone

• fear of not delivering well enough

• fear of being seen as unreliable

• fear of being judged

• fear of not being “the man you say you are”

The brain doesn’t say,
“This small action feels emotionally loaded.”
It says,
“Let’s avoid this.”

And avoidance is fast.
Easy.
Convenient.
Comfortable in the moment.

But it comes with a cost.

2. Why High-Expectation Men Experience This So Intensely

If you’re a former athlete, performer, leader, or guy who once lived with high capacity… micro-avoidance hits harder.

Here’s why:

Identity Tied to Competence

You’re used to being good at things.
You’re used to delivering.
So when something feels “high stakes,” even when it isn’t, the identity threat makes you freeze.

Fear of Disappointing Others

For many men raised in achievement culture, disappointing someone feels like failure — not of performance, but of character.

Perfectionism

If you can’t do it perfectly, if you can’t crush it, if you can’t show how “dialed in” you are… you hesitate.
Then hesitate again.
Then hesitate so long you avoid the task entirely.

Shame Spirals

This is the quiet killer.
You avoid → You feel shame about avoiding → Shame makes you avoid more → avoidance fuels more shame → repeat
All over something that could’ve been done in 3 minutes.

Old Relational Wiring

Many men were taught that the way to stay loved, valued, or respected… is to perform.
So a small task that involves being seen — especially by a partner — can activate old patterns.

Micro-avoidance isn’t a productivity issue.
It’s a nervous system issue.
An identity issue.
A worthiness issue.

It’s the “mid-life athlete’s resistance.”

3. How Micro-Avoidance Quietly Erodes Self-Trust

Men rarely think about the long-term cost of these moments.

But micro-avoidance does three things:

It chips away at self-trust

When you say you’ll do something and you don’t, your brain takes notes:
“Maybe we don’t do what we say anymore.”

Self-trust is built (or broken) one micro-moment at a time.

It drains momentum

Avoidance creates a background hum of stress — a low-grade tension you carry all day.
This kills training consistency, decision-making, and energy.

It reinforces an outdated identity

Every act of avoidance says:
“I’m the guy who hesitates.”
“I’m the guy who doesn’t follow through.”

You start to believe it.
And you start living like it.

This is why micro-avoidance matters.
It’s not about the task.
It’s about who you become.

4. How to Recognize Micro-Avoidance in Real Time

Here’s how it shows up for mid-life men:

• You suddenly “need a snack” before starting something easy

• You decide to reorganize your desk instead of sending a simple email

• You say “I’ll do it later” with zero intention

• You reread a message 4 times without responding

• You tell yourself, “It’s not a big deal”… while thinking about it all day

• You feel a strange tension around something that doesn’t match the size of the task

• You avoid looking at it because you “don’t want to think about it right now”

These are red flags.
Micro-avoidance doesn’t whisper — it whispers loudly.

The moment you notice resistance toward a simple action, that’s the moment to intervene.

5. The Toolbox: How to Break Micro-Avoidance

Here’s how the men I coach break the pattern — consistently.

1. Label It

Just note it:
“Ah. This is micro-resistance.”

Naming it takes away 50% of its power.

2. Identify the Real Emotion

Ask:
“What am I afraid of right now?”
Often the answer is:
> disappointing someone
> not doing it perfectly
> being judged
> not being enough

When you name the emotion, the task becomes normal again.

3. Micro-Actions

Don’t do the whole thing.
Do the smallest possible action.

• open the email

• write one sentence

• send a screenshot instead of a whole PDF

• record the video instead of editing it

• text “I’m on it”

Small actions break frozen states.

4. Self-Leadership Practices

You already know these:

• Curiosity → “What’s really going on?”

• Awareness → “What emotion is here?”

• Clarity → “What matters most?”

• Ownership → “What part is mine?”

• Action → “What’s the next 2-minute step?”

This is how identity shifts.

5. Identity Reps

Every time you follow through on a small task, you send a signal:
“I’m back.”
“I’m someone who does what he says.”
“I’m someone who finishes.”

Identity isn’t built in big moments.
It’s built in mundane micro-moments.

6. The Ripple Effect: Training, Relationships, and Alignment

When a man addresses micro-avoidance, everything improves.

Training Consistency

You stop skipping workouts.
You stop overthinking programs.
You stop negotiating with yourself.

Relationships

You communicate earlier, clearer, and with less fear.
You stop letting small things turn into big ruptures.
Your partner starts trusting your word again.

Internal Alignment

You stop betraying yourself in tiny ways.
Your self-trust comes back.
Your energy comes back.
Your identity comes back.

When you stop avoiding the small things, you start becoming the man you’ve been trying to return to for years.

Closing Thought

Micro-avoidance is small.
But it shapes everything.

The athlete you used to be?
He didn’t avoid the rep.
He didn’t avoid the hard moment.
He didn’t avoid the little things.

And neither will the man you’re becoming.

You don’t need to overhaul your life.
You just need to stop abandoning yourself in micro-moments.

This is the path back to capacity.
Back to connection.
Back to yourself.

If you are ready to get back on the path…Start Here

The Mid-Life Shift

What Happens When a Man Stops Chasing and Starts Refining

I trained B.V. tonight.

He’s in his mid-40s.
VP of Sales for a $500 million+ private company.
Sharp, thoughtful, grounded.
Husband.
Father to three girls.
Leader in a business his father helped build.

Lately, our mid-workout conversations have drifted toward motivation—what drives people, how leaders can inject confidence, and what keeps a man pushing forward when life gets full.

Last session it was about leadership.
Tonight, it turned personal.

He asked me whats driving me right now. What’s my why. (I can share on this another time :))

And then I turned it back on him:

“What’s driving you right now? What are your Whys?”

(Always plural. Whys are never singular.)

His answer took us somewhere I don’t often hear from the men I work with remotely —and that’s exactly why it stood out.

Most Men Are Still Chasing Something. B.V. Isn’t.

He told me his Whys used to be obvious:

• Find love — he found it at 25.

• Get married.

• Buy a house.

• Build a family.

• Grow professionally — he did, stepping into an executive role in a massive family-run company.

These were the major “life boxes” he spent years working toward.

And then he paused.
Thought for a moment.
And said something most men don’t admit out loud:

“I’ve hit all the achievements I was chasing… and now it’s not about chasing anymore. It’s about refining and enjoying.”

This wasn’t resignation.
It wasn’t boredom.
It wasn’t restlessness.

It was clarity.

He told me he’s not in a mid-life crisis.
He’s in a mid-life shift.

From Achievement → to Refinement

He said:

“I can keep becoming a better father and husband. I can keep refining my leadership skills. I can help the company evolve beyond what my dad and uncle built. And I can focus on my physical health so I have the energy to keep doing this for a long time.”

He’s not looking for a new mountain.
He’s tending to the one he already climbed.
He’s not trying to reinvent his identity.
He’s deepening it.

There was no panic.
No grasping.
No “is this all there is?”

Just presence.

Just awareness.

Just a man arriving at a stage of life he worked hard to earn—
and realizing the next evolution isn’t about more…
it’s about better.

Underneath Everything: Curiosity

A lot of men hit their mid-40s and get swallowed by regret, comparison, or self-judgment.

They start asking heavy questions:

• “Did I do enough?”

• “Is this really it?”

• “Where did I go wrong?”

• “What did I miss?”

Not B.V.

He isn’t spiraling.
He isn’t longing for the past.
He isn’t stuck between who he was and who he wishes he’d been.

He’s curious.

He literally said:

• “How do I become a better father and husband?”

• “How do I lead my team better?”

• “How do I take care of my health better?”

There’s no shame in those questions.
There’s no fear in them.
There’s no scarcity behind them.

They come from a man who’s full, not empty.

A man whose life is good—
and who wants to keep evolving within the goodness.

The Real Insight: Presence Is a Powerful Why

They men I work with remotely are often looking to reclaim something they lost:

• their athleticism

• their confidence

• their energy

• their identity

• their light

Bret isn’t reclaiming anything.

He’s protecting what he’s built.
He’s deepening what he already has.
He’s refining the life he worked decades to create.

His Why isn’t fear-based.
It’s not insecurity.
It’s not regret or guilt or comparison.

His Why is presence.

He wants to:

• show up fully as a husband

• show up fully as a father

• show up fully as a leader

• show up fully as a man with a long runway ahead of him

He wants to help the people around him find what he’s found.
He wants to keep strengthening the foundation of a life he actually loves living.

And that kind of Why—rooted in love, connection, curiosity, and purpose—hits different.
It’s stable.
It’s grounded.
It lasts.

The Mid-Life Shift

Here’s the truth B.V. taught me tonight:

A mid-life crisis is about fear.
A mid-life shift is about awareness.

A crisis screams, “Something’s missing.”
A shift whispers, “There’s more here if I choose to see it.”

The first collapses a man inward.
The second expands him outward.

B.V. isn’t chasing anymore.
He’s refining.
He’s enjoying.
He’s expanding deeper into the man he’s already become.

And he’s doing it with the two qualities that define every great leader, father, and husband:

curiosity and presence.

That’s the shift.

If any of this resonated with you, trust it. Let’s jump on a 15 minute call to explore it together.

Start Here.

My Coaching Process

How I Rebuilt My Life — And How I Help Men Rebuild Theirs
By Alex R. Hargrove

For a long stretch of my life, I felt like I was watching myself from the outside.

I was in my 30s, 40+ pounds overweight, disconnected from my body, numb in my mind, and frozen in my spirit. I had spent years teaching and coaching others, but somewhere along the way I drifted from myself. I didn’t recognize the man in the mirror — not physically, not emotionally, not at all.

And the worst part?
I didn’t know how to get back.

I wasn’t lacking information.
I wasn’t lacking support.
I was lacking capacity — not just physical capacity, but the internal capacity required to lead myself. I was stuck in old beliefs, old patterns, and an old identity. My body reflected that stuckness. My spirit reflected that resistance.

I didn’t need another plan.
I needed a process.

So I rebuilt myself the only way I knew how:
from the body up, one honest rep at a time.

I learned to set a clear direction.
Mine the deeper reasons behind my pursuit.
Identify the resistance instead of avoiding it.
Choose the right speed — consistency or intensity — based on the season I was in.
Track what mattered.
Test honestly.
Adjust with intention.

Most importantly, I used the pursuit of physical capacity as the doorway back into connection — with myself, my values, my truth, and with the man I was waiting to become.

This is the exact system I still use today.
It rebuilt me.
And it now rebuilds the men who come to me remotely — men who are capable but disconnected, who know they’re meant for more yet struggle to access that potential consistently.

This is not a one-time fix.
It’s not a PDF.
It’s not a 6-week challenge.

It’s a framework.
A practice.
A relationship.
A way of living in alignment with the man you’re trying to become.

What follows is exactly what you can expect when you work with me.

1. Set the Direction

Look Better. Feel Better. Perform Better.

Most men I coach once lived with clear direction — as athletes, competitors, or simply younger versions of themselves who felt capable and connected. But life has a way of blurring that clarity.

Setting direction reconnects you to the part of you that knows what you truly want, even if you haven’t said it out loud in years.

Not the polite goal.
Not the “I just want to get healthier” line.
The truth.

Your direction becomes the anchor.

Most men come to me wanting some combination of the same three outcomes: they want to look better, feel better, and perform better.

Action Step:
We start by getting crystal clear on exactly what your goals are. You’ll set 1–3 clear, concise, measurable targets.

2. Mine the Source

Why does this matter? What’s at stake? What part of you is asking for this?

Direction tells us where you want to go.
The source tells us why you’re going there — and why it matters enough to stay the course.

Most men skip this step. They set a goal but never explore the emotional truths underneath it. Without that truth, the goal collapses the moment life gets hard.

So we go deeper.

We uncover the real reasons this direction matters:

• Why now?

• Why this?

• What becomes possible if you commit?

• What continues suffering if you don’t?

• What part of you is asking for this change?

This is where we find the energy source behind your change.

There are two places men typically source their change from:

Insecure / Broken / Attached

When change is driven by insecurity, a search for worth, or clinging to an outdated identity, the pursuit becomes desperate and fragile. You push… until you crash.

Secure / Whole / Love

When change is rooted in connection, truth, and self-respect, the pursuit becomes stable, sustainable, and powerful. Resistance still comes — but you meet it with clarity instead of collapse.

Mining the source gives you the energy required to meet resistance and move through it, not be beaten down by it.

Action Step:
You’ll generate a list of 7+ why’s that sit underneath each goal. Some may be secure, some may be insecure — but all of them will serve a purpose on your path. When resistance arises, the energy behind these why’s becomes your power.

3. Identify the Resistance

What will get in the way — internally and externally?

Men don’t get stuck because they lack drive.
They get stuck because they’ve never learned how to work with resistance — especially the kind that lives inside them.

I separate resistance into two categories:

Internal Resistance

Everything that happens within you that pulls you off course.
It shows up in three forms:

1. Thoughts

The stories your ego or strategic self creates to avoid action.
“I’ll start Monday.”
“This isn’t the right time.”
“I’m too busy.”
They feel true, but they’re just protective strategies.

2. Emotions

Raw physical sensations in the body — heaviness, tightness, pressure, heat, softness.
These are biological signals, not problems.

3. Feelings

Your subjective interpretation of the thoughts + emotions.
“I feel unmotivated.”
“I feel overwhelmed.”
“I feel off.”
Feelings are meaning-making — and meaning drives behavior.

Internal resistance is not the enemy.
It’s information — often the part of you that learned how to protect you, even when those protections no longer serve you today.

External Resistance

The real-world friction: work, family, schedule, travel, environment, responsibilities.
This resistance isn’t personal — it’s logistical.

When you understand:

• what’s happening within you,

• what’s happening around you, and

• why, when, and how these patterns show up,

…you’re no longer blindsided by resistance.
You can work with it, navigate it, and move through it.

Naming resistance turns it from a wall into something workable.

Action Step:
Looking at your goals and why’s, you’ll predict the resistance you may encounter on the path — both internal and external. This is a starting point and a fluid process. You will return to this step many times as you encounter new resistance, new parts of yourself, and new seasons of life. The resistance may change — but the practices to navigate it won’t. Whatever arises, you’ll be ready.

4. Set the Speed

Consistency or Intensity?

Men who once felt like athletes tend to default to intensity — “go hard or don’t go at all.”
But intensity without consistency leads to burnout.
Consistency without intensity leads to stagnation.

Most men stuck in a disconnected season don’t know which one they need.

So we choose intentionally:

Consistency

Steady, honest effort that rebuilds trust in yourself.

Intensity

Strategic pushes that wake up your competitive edge and identity.

This breaks the all-or-nothing cycle that’s kept you stuck for years.

Action Step:
Looking at your goals and the demands of your life, you’ll decide the speed your change starts at. Are you going all in tomorrow on everything? Or are we taking it one action at a time? There’s no right or wrong answer — only what sets you up for success.

5. Set the Data

What gets measured gets managed.

Men who’ve been drifting — men who know they can do better but haven’t known how — respond extremely well to data because small wins build momentum and accountability.

Data gives clarity:

• You can’t hide from patterns.

• You can’t negotiate with reality.

• You can’t keep telling yourself stories that aren’t true.

Your job: report the data.
My job: interpret it and adjust your program accordingly.

This reconnects you to your body and effort in a way most men haven’t felt since they were last in alignment — often years or decades ago.

Action Step:
We’ll choose a few key metrics specific to your physical goals and track them daily. This might include objective data (calories, protein, weight, sleep) or subjective data (energy, mood, effort, stress).

6. Get the Details (Testing)

We establish your baseline.

Most men fear testing because it forces them to confront the gap between the man they remember being and the man they are today.

But the moment we establish a baseline, opportunity shows up — and ownership begins.

Testing is the moment you shift from:

hiding → owning
drifting → directing
wishing → leading

It’s where you stop avoiding reality and start shaping it.

Action Step:
Testing will be specific to your goals and take into account your training history, injury history, current physical capacity, and eating habits. It will range from body composition to overhead squats and anything in between that gives us a clear picture of where you’re starting and how to get where you want to go.

7. Deliver the Program

A white-glove, highly tailored, relational plan — built for your real life.

Men who once thrived with structure — in sports, school, or training — thrive again when that structure returns.

This is not a template.
It’s not a cookie-cutter plan.

It’s a living, breathing, evolving program built around:

• Your schedule

• Your responsibilities

• Your energy and recovery capacity

• Your injuries or limitations

• Your goals

• Your identity

• Your resistance patterns

• Your season of life

It evolves weekly, monthly, and quarterly as you grow.

Action Step:
This is where the real work begins. You start showing up for yourself — inside and out — on the path toward your goals.

High-Touch, Relational Support

This is where transformation actually happens.

Daily Check-Ins

Men who feel disconnected — from themselves, their bodies, or who they used to be — rarely talk about what’s happening inside them.
Daily check-ins help you reconnect and track the resistance that will arise.

Weekly Updates

This is where patterns reveal themselves — where you drift, avoid, push too hard, or hide.
We make sense of it. Then we plan and prepare.

Monthly Reviews

Men who once felt powerful need to see progress to believe in themselves again.
Monthly reviews renew that belief.

Quarterly Reviews

This is where identity shifts become undeniable.
Every quarter, you’re not the same man you were when you started.

Support AND Independence — Not Dependency

Men often pride themselves on independence — even when that independence is exactly what’s keeping them stuck.

This coaching relationship gives you:

• Support without smothering

• Accountability without pressure

• Guidance without control

• Structure without rigidity

• Relationship without dependency

By the time we’re done, you’ll have:

• A system

• A framework

• A sustainable training practice

• Emotional and physical capacity

• Self-leadership

• A deeper connection to yourself

• The ability to keep progressing for years

You’re not renting my discipline.
You’re building your own.

The Outcome

Rebuilt physical capacity.
Strengthened internal connection.
A more grounded, aligned, capable version of yourself.

We use training as the doorway.
We use resistance as the teacher.
We use data as the compass.
We use relationship as the anchor.

This process rebuilt me.
And it’s the process I use to help men rebuild — men who are ready to stop drifting and start leading themselves again.

If you’re ready to rebuild your capacity — physically, mentally, emotionally — this is the work.

The Decade Echo

How One Client Reclaimed His Future by Listening to a Whisper From His Past

Dave walked into my gym two years ago with a familiar story:

He wasn’t broken.
He wasn’t unfit.
He wasn’t out of shape.

But something was slipping.
Something subtle.
Something only athletes can feel.

He had an old knee injury from years back—one that never healed properly—and the ripple effects were starting to show up everywhere:

• less range on the golf course

• less precision on the mountain

• less freedom in the waves

He could still do all the things he loved… just not like he wanted.

And that matters when you’ve spent your whole life as an athlete.

Add to that the demands of being a CEO and father to two young kids, it just made sense to seek support.

He wanted to perform better,
he wanted to feel better,
he wanted to get his athleticism back—
so he could keep showing up for the roles that mattered most.

In his 30s, he ignored the knee.
In his early 40s, the knee stopped ignoring him.

The echoes had arrived.

Small Choices, Big Consequences

For the longest time, nutrition wasn’t a major focus for us. He looked good, he trained consistently, he fed himself well… actually, his wife — a nutritionist and ace cook, did that part, ha.

But recently, something new surfaced.

He admitted that late-afternoon and nighttime snacking had become a pattern. Nothing dramatic. No bingeing. No spiraling. Just a slow, quiet slide into convenience and comfort.

Those Costco cashews are the real deal.

A little something to take the edge off.
A small habit with a long shadow.

And then he shared a story that stopped me.

A Seed Planted in His 30s

Over a decade ago, in his early 30s, Dave had lunch with a mentor—a disciplined, sharp, late-40s business mentor who clearly took care of himself.

During lunch, the mentor said something about business strategy that landed somewhere much deeper:

“The choices you make in this decade will show up in the next one.”

Dave felt the weight of it at the time.
It made sense in the context of the business he was building.

Some lines hit you in the moment…
and then stay with you long enough to find a new purpose later in life.

For 10 years, that sentence sat dormant—
waiting for the right conditions to sprout.

This year, it did.

A New Stage of Life, A New Kind of Why

Now, at 43, he’s in a different chapter.

He’s a father. He sees the way his kids play. He sees the way they’re forming a special bond with their grandparents.

He sees the joy.
He sees the love.
And then he envisions himself in that role decades down the line.

And he realized:

“The way I live today determines the kind of father and grandfather I get to be.”

That’s when the echo came back.

Not as advice—
as truth.

Not about business—
about his body, his family, and the quality of his future.

Suddenly, the snacking wasn’t about willpower.
It wasn’t about macros.
It wasn’t about looking good.

It was about adding 10 years of quantity and quality to his life…
so he could be part of the moments that bring deep connection with his kids and grandkids.

It was about being able to:

• keep up with his son bombing down the mountain on winter break

• show his daughter that dad’s still got it on the court

• catch dawn patrol with his brother years to come

• build and climb the tree house with his grandkids

He doesn’t want to be the grandfather on the recliner.
He’s becoming grandfather in the arena.

This is what a real ‘Why’ feels like.

This Is What I Call the Decade Echo

Every decade sends signals to the next.

Sometimes they whisper.
Sometimes they roar.

Your body keeps receipts.
Your habits write checks.
Your future cashes them.

When Dave first came in, he wanted to move better and feel better now.

But through this insight, he tapped into something far more powerful:

A vision of who he wants to be in 10, 20, 30 years.

And that kind of clarity carries an emotional charge strong enough to reorganize a person’s behavior almost overnight.

You don’t fight cravings when your Why is this big.
You outgrow them.

This Is What Self-Leadership Really Looks Like

In my coaching framework, we talk about two types of Whys:

Insecure Whys

Rooted in:

• shame

• fear

• envy

• jealousy

• anger

These have power.
They can move us.
They get things started.

But they’re not sustainable. And we shouldn’t aim to reinforce them.

Secure Whys

Rooted in:

• love

• joy

• peace

• connection

• truth

These are different.

They create alignment.
They quiet resistance.
They turn discipline into devotion.

What Dave found was a secure Why—the kind that reorganizes a man from the inside out.

The kind that makes saying “not today” to cashews (or whatever your vice is) effortless.

Not because he’s restraining himself,
but because he’s choosing himself, his family, and his future.

The Lesson

What you choose today is a letter you’re mailing to your future self.

It doesn’t arrive tomorrow.
It arrives in your 40s, your 50s, your 60s—
when it matters most.

Most men won’t feel the consequences of their habits until the next decade.
And when they do, they’ll wish they had listened to the echo sooner.

Dave did.

And now he’s writing a completely different future—
one small choice at a time.

The Beliefs That Rebuilt Me (And Guide My Coaching)

I didn’t grow up thinking about “beliefs.” I grew up inside them. We all do.
We inherit little truths about who we are and how the world works long before we ever learn to question them. They come from parents, coaches, teachers, teammates — and from the moments that cracked us open or hardened us up. Over time, the brain stitches these moments into patterns. Neuroscientists call them schemas — shortcuts the mind uses to decide what’s safe, what’s possible, and who you believe yourself to be.

Beliefs aren’t facts. They’re interpretations that hardened through repetition.

And the beautiful part? They’re changeable.
The brain is plastic — it rewires itself based on new experiences, new actions, and new meaning you assign to your old story. Sometimes the shift comes from a single moment that wakes you up. More often, it comes slowly: doing the same uncomfortable thing again and again until the belief that ran your life softens and a new one takes its place.

The beliefs below didn’t come from a book.
I earned them — through coaching, being coached, breaking down, rebuilding, failing forward, and paying attention to the people I’ve served and the man I’ve become.

They rebuilt me.
And they guide the way I coach.

1. You Have Everything You Need Already Inside of You

Most people don’t need more hacks, motivation, or information.
They need help getting out of their own way.

My job as a coach is helping you identify the resistance — internal and external — that keeps you from becoming who you already are, and teaching you the skills to navigate it. Not eliminate it. Navigate it.

Less friction.
More truth.
More you.

2. You Can’t Change People

Only when the student is ready does the teacher arrive.

I can’t change people. I’ve tried. It doesn’t work.
People change when they’re ready — not when they want to, not when someone tells them to, and not when a plan is handed to them. Usually it's when the pain of staying the same finally outweighs the friction of becoming who they are meant to be.

I see this in my in-person training business every day. Many clients talk about change, but their actions reveal they’re not available for it yet.

But when their internal world aligns with the right environment, something clicks. They stop just hearing the message and start receiving it.

The teacher didn’t change.
They did.

3. Lasting Change Is Identity Change

You don’t become something because you believe you can.
You become it because you act like it long enough that belief has no choice but to update.

Behavior rewires identity.

If you used to be an athlete and want to feel like one again, you don’t start with mantras. You start with action: getting a date on the calendar, training with intention, finding your team, showing up when it’s inconvenient, choosing alignment over excuses.

Do the reps.
Identity will follow.

4. Nobody Does It Alone

That’s why coaches exist.
You cannot lone-wolf your way through transformation. You need people who see you, support you, challenge you, check you, and celebrate you.

I don’t coach alone, either.
I have my partner Jess, my brother, friends I trust with the truth, mentors who’ve walked further down the path, my therapist, and my men’s group.

No athlete succeeds without a team.
No human does either.

5. You Don’t Rise to Your Goals — You Fall to Your Self-Leadership

Goals give direction. After that, they don’t mean much.

Life will always put resistance in your path — fatigue, fear, doubt, setbacks, curveballs, emotional noise. And when that happens, you won’t rise to the level of your ambition. You’ll fall to the level of your self-leadership.

Self-leadership is built on five skills:
Curiosity → Awareness → Clarity → Ownership → Action

When you train these, obstacles stop being dead ends and become doorways.

6. Curiosity Expands, Judgment Constricts

Judgment shuts down possibility. It freezes growth.

Curiosity opens you.
When you approach yourself or others with curiosity — Why did I react that way? What fear is underneath that excuse? What’s actually going on? — you create space for change.

Curiosity is the first skill of self-leadership because it keeps the door open.

7. Emotional Intelligence Unlocks Lasting Change

Most of what holds us back isn’t physical. It’s emotional.

Emotional intelligence is simply:
Notice → Name → Navigate

When you can identify, label, regulate, and communicate what’s happening inside you, everything becomes possible. Internal resistance softens. Choices become clearer. Relationships deepen. Alignment becomes easier.

EI isn’t soft.
It’s strength.
It’s a performance enhancer.

8. Resistance Is Not the Enemy

Resistance isn’t your villain — it’s your training partner.

It pushes you to confront the deepest parts of yourself: the wounded, insecure, avoidant, perfectionistic, scared pieces. It invites you to sit with them, relate to them, heal them, and understand them so you’re more prepared next time they return — because they will.

Resistance builds strength — physically, emotionally, psychologically.
It helps you rise into who you were meant to become.

Resistance is a gift.
Treat it like one.

9. That Which We Resist, Persists

Anything you refuse to face doesn’t disappear — it waits.

What we numb, ignore, avoid, suppress, or delay doesn’t lose power; it collects it. Every moment of non-action becomes stored somewhere — your mind, your body, your behavior. Eventually that weight has to go somewhere.

When you don’t deal with things directly, they come out sideways:
short tempers, self-sabotage, overtraining, under-recovering, procrastination, emotional shut-downs, binge-anything.
Not because you’re broken — but because the thing you refused to feel is still trying to be felt.

You don’t have to carry that weight.
Address what needs attention.
Feel what needs feeling.
Say what needs saying.

Unaddressed resistance stalls progress.
Faced resistance frees it.

10. Excuses Are Internal Resistance in Disguise

Life has real constraints — I call these External Resistance.
But most excuses are internal states (fear, shame, overwhelm) dressed up as practical reasons.

When you separate the circumstance from the emotion underneath, everything becomes workable. You stop arguing for your limitations and start working with the truth.

11. What Gets Measured Gets Managed

Data matters.
Not because numbers create discipline, but because clarity creates momentum.

Tracking your actions reveals reality:

• Progress → reinforces motivation

• Stagnation → reveals opportunity

• Patterns → keep you accountable

You can’t change what you can’t see.
Measurement makes the invisible visible — and the visible actionable.

12. You Need Consistency and Intensity

This is the Goggins–Clear continuum.

On one end: Intensity. Go hard. Test yourself. Shock the system.
On the other: Consistency. Small, repeatable actions done long enough to reshape your life.

Both tools matter.
The mistake most people make is living in the middle — not intense or consistent enough to see progress. That zone produces nothing but frustration.

Progress comes from choosing the pole you actually need right now.
Then committing to it like hell.

13. Everything Is an Opportunity for Something

Most people mistake discomfort for failure and miss the chance to regulate, adjust, and realign.

Every misstep is feedback.
Every uncomfortable moment is information.
Every failed rep is a data point.

Opportunity is always there — if you’re willing to look for it.

14. Keep It Simple

Complex problems don’t always need complex solutions.
Instagram will try to convince you otherwise.

The truth is simple: the fundamentals, executed with ruthless consistency, solve 90% of the problems people think require specialized programs.

Simplicity first.
Complexity only when necessary.
Most people never reach complexity because they never commit to the simple things long enough for compounding results to show up.

15. Capacity and Connection Feed Each Other

Capacity is your ability to physically interact with the world.
Connection is your ability to relate to yourself and others.

When you build physical capacity — strength, endurance, skill — you inevitably meet your inner landscape. That friction deepens connection to self. And deeper self-connection builds compassion and empathy, which strengthens your relationships with the people and places that matter most.

And when you deepen connection — with yourself and others — you start making choices that support your physical capacity: training, recovery, community, accountability.

They feed each other.
One expands the other.
Always.

16. Be a Product of the Product

I will never ask you to do something I haven’t done, don’t do now, or wouldn’t do myself.

My coaching isn’t theory — it’s lived experience. Every belief here exists because I’ve tested it, broken it, abandoned it, returned to it, and proven it both personally and professionally.

I’ve been the athlete who lost his edge.
The man who drifted.
The coach who gave advice he wasn’t fully living.
And the version of myself who rebuilt — more honest, more aligned, more whole.

I don’t lead from a pedestal. I lead from the path.
A path I’ve walked, lost, and found again enough times to know what it takes to stay on it.

That’s why I coach the way I coach — because I am the product of the product.
And I expect nothing of you that I don’t expect of myself.

17. Don’t Take Yourself So Seriously

Life isn’t meant to be gripped with white knuckles.
It’s meant to be lived — fully, honestly, joyfully.

We forget that sometimes. We take ourselves, our goals, our progress, our failures, and our identities so seriously that we squeeze the fun, the flow, and the lightness out of everything. But you can’t perform, grow, or become the person you’re meant to be while living in a constant state of tension.

Find the humor in your mistakes.
Find the joy in the detours.
Find the play in the process.

Because at the end of all this — the training, the striving, the becoming — we come into life with nothing but ourselves, and we leave the same way. The only thing you truly carry is your experience of the journey.

So you might as well enjoy yourself while you’re here.

Closing Thought

These beliefs aren’t slogans.
They’re the backbone of how I coach and how I live.

If they resonate, it’s probably because they speak to something you already know is true inside yourself — something you’ve always known but maybe stopped listening to.

My coaching simply helps you return to it.

Thoughts on Transformation

I’ve been coaching for twenty years — from kindergarten PE and NCAA soccer to 76-year-olds and #1 NFL draft picks. I’ve worked with just about every kind of human, goal, experience, and limitation.
Early on in my career one question kept me curious:

How do people become their best?

At first, that question lived in the world of sport & performance.
I explored skill, tactics, strength, conditioning, recovery — all the external levers that make athletes great.
That led me deeper into sport psychology and the role of mindset in leveraging those abilities.

Then life hit hard, and I learned what no textbook could teach me — the value of internal awareness, emotional regulation, and understanding the self.

As I transitioned from the world of sport into one-on-one coaching, my curiosity evolved too — from helping people perform at their best to helping them live at their fullest.
And with that, the question shifted again:

How do we live a full, meaningful life?

From Performance to Person

Most people who come to train with me want some version of the same thing:
They want to perform better, feel better, and look better.

They want to change, to grow, to transform. With the believe that this will improve the quality of their life.

The roadmaps to these destinations are well known and wide spread. Workouts, nutrition, recovery - with consistency.
But even with all the knowledge in the world, most still fall short.

Which lead me to start asking: What’s really standing in the way?

The answer became clear.

Themselves.

The path to every goal is littered with resistance. Some are external - family demands, the work environment - but most are internal.
They don’t need another training plan — they need to meet their internal resistance with curiosity and compassion, and still choose to act in alignment with the life they want to live.

They don’t need someone to hold them accountable — they need to learn to hold themselves accountable.

That’s the real work.
That’s self-leadership.

The Inner Reps

Transformation doesn’t come from more complexity — it comes from deeper simplicity.
You don’t need a new set-and-rep scheme, an infrared sauna, or the latest Garmin watch.
You need to get out of your own way long enough to step into who you’re meant to become.

Here’s the framework I’ve found to be true over and over again —
The Five Pillars of Transformation:

1. Awareness – Understand what’s holding you back internally and externally.

2. Ownership – Take full responsibility for where you are.

3. Clarity – Know who you’re becoming, what you want, and why it matters.

4. Curiosity – Meet resistance with openness instead of judgment.

5. Action – Align your behavior with your beliefs — consistently and courageously.

Because real transformation is an inside game.
Your external world shifts as a reflection of your internal state.
Doing flows from being.

The Coach’s Work

As a coach, I don’t like to just hand people programs — I want to walk beside them as they learn to lead themselves.
Not everyone is ready for the inner lifting, and that’s okay.
I meet them where they are, help them play the surface-level game until the pain of staying the same turns into the spark to go deeper.

Because true transformation isn’t about becoming someone new.
It’s about shedding who the world told you to be, dropping the limiting beliefs keeping you comfortable, and returning to who you were always meant to become.

That’s the work.
That’s the path.
And none of us walk it alone.